PLEASE USE THE COMMENT FILTER

 

It was one of my more notable “foot-in-mouth” moments. And that’s saying a lot, considering how often I blurt things out without first running the idea thru the Comment Filter, an important part of the brain that weighs the appropriateness of a particular statement and then makes a yes-or-no decision: either “That’s not bad, you may say it out loud,” or, “Are you kidding me?! You can’t say that! Keep your mouth shut!”

 

I know the Comment Filter in my brain is functioning since it often stops me just before I say something really stupid. The problem is, I frequently forget to submit my ideas to the Comment Filter for prior approval. However, I know quite a few people — maybe you know some too? — who don’t even possess a Comment Filter. They go thru life completely unfiltered. Maybe it was a Monday morning and some angels had hangovers and forgot to install this key component when those folks were being created on the celestial assembly line.

 

Anyway, about a quarter century ago my wife and I were at a party. We met a husband and wife we had not seen in a few years. I immediately noticed the bulge in her mid-section. Now you have to understand, at that point in time, my wife and I had recently become parents. We were in the midst of being overwhelmed by the joy and wonder of the miracle of bringing another life into the world. (Well, at least I was. My wife might have been in the midst of being overwhelmed by the desperate urge to get a good night’s sleep.)

 

So with all sincerity, with genuine excitement that this young couple was about to enter the wondrous world of parenthood, I blurted out, “Oh Darlene, congratulations! When’s the baby due?”

 

Suddenly the room was silent. Everyone stared at me. Darlene finally said softly and sadly, “I’m not pregnant, but…” Then she stopped speaking, and I suspect her Comment Filter prevented her from adding, “…but thanks for noticing that I’ve put on a lot of weight.”

 

Then I felt two hot spots on the side of my skull, so I turned to see that my wife’s eyes had been transformed into glowing laser beams. She started to speak, but nothing came out. I think her Comment Filter stopped her from saying, “Bill, for your own good and to make sure this never happens again, don’t take it personally when I shove an ice pick into your throat.”

 

This episode came to mind the other day when I saw a woman in an office I occasionally visit on business. Since the last time I had seen her many months ago, this slim woman now looked as if she had shoved a basketball under her shirt. But did I blurt out, “Oh Beth, congratulations! When’s the baby due?”?

 

No siree. I learned my lesson. Instead I asked one of her co-workers, “Hey Bob, it Beth pregnant?”

 

He looked at me as if I were an idiot. “No,” he said sarcastically, “she shoved a basketball under her shirt.”

 

Then I told Bob about the party a quarter century ago and the laser beams and the ice pick. He quickly understood, and even added, “Yeah, I did that once. Man, was my wife mad.”

 

So we agreed the best policy is never, EVER ask a woman if she is pregnant. Even if you happen to be on the maternity ward and you notice the head of an infant protruding from her body, just don’t say it. And remember to run everything by your Comment Filter. In fact, to be safe, just don’t say anything ever again.