'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
AVAST YE INTOLERANT CHEESE LOVERS
A few weeks ago I wrote a column about the fact that Wise brand Cheez Doodles are “the official cheese doodle of the New York Giants,” at least according to the radio announcer during a football game broadcast. Toward the end of that column I noted, “I’m a Giants fan, but I prefer Cheetos rather than Cheez Doodles.”
Soon after, I received a vast number of email messages pointing out that I’ve mentioned in past columns that I am lactose intolerant. (Exact number of email messages: two.) Let me synthesize and summarize the main idea of those vast number of emails: “Hey Bill, I thought you said you’re lactose intolerant? How can you prefer Cheetos while watching the Giants football game? What do you have, a TV in your bathroom?”
Well, I must admit, the vast number of alert readers who sent in that vast number of email messages are correct on two points, 1) I have mentioned previously that I am lactose intolerant, and 2) if I ate Cheetos while watching the Giants I would indeed need a TV in the bathroom to see the second half of the game.
What I meant to write in the original column was, “I’m a Giants fan, but I used to prefer Cheetos rather than Cheez Doodles – back when I was in my 30s and was able to savor processed cheese snacks, before the onset of an annoying gastro-intestinal condition rendered me incapable of enjoying three of the four major food groups: pizza, ice cream, and anything that turns the tips of your fingers orange.” (The fourth group is glazed crullers.)
I also meant to write in the original column, “I’ll try not to be too graphic while discussing lactose intolerance, such as mentioning that I’d need a TV in the bathroom to watch football, but I can’t promise anything.”
I also ALSO meant to write in the original column, “I enjoy sharing tidbits of my life with the readers, but when a vast number of readers take note of my personal medical conditions, it’s kind of creepy.”
It didn’t seem appropriate to get into a big explanation of lactose intolerance during the original column, as the main subject was the fact a professional football team actually has an “official” cheese doodle. But an official cheese doodle is not the main subject of this column (which is two-thirds finished and doesn’t really have a main subject yet – so if you have a suggestion for the main subject, feel free to send me a vast number of emails before this column is done).
Medical studies show that a vast number of people in America have some degree of lactose intolerance. (Exact number: between 20 and 50 percent of the adult population, depending upon which Internet article you read.) With these large numbers, you would think restaurants and banquet facilities would have a few items on the menu that are not saturated in milk, cream, butter, or cheese – or sometimes all four dairy items at once.
I was at a dinner meeting last month and the only things in the entire restaurant that were safe for me to eat – not counting the potted plants – were the packets of Sweet N’ Low and the oyster crackers. (However, it turned out they had the new “Cheddar Oyster Crackers,” so I spent most of the after-dinner presentation in the men’s room anyway.)
Hopefully the food service industry will realize soon that there are vast numbers of citizens who cannot eat dairy products. In the meantime, I suggest they install a number of TVs in their bathrooms. (Exact number: vast.)
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