HEY, WHAT DAY IS TODAY?

You’ve probably noticed something odd about this column. No, I don’t mean the fact the newspaper has allocated precious space for yet another exercise in literary frivolity. That oddity has baffled readers for ten years now, ever since the editors, in a moment of questionable judgment, decided to publish this weekly column.

No, I’m referring to the fact that today is Wednesday. You see, for many years this column appeared in the Friday edition of the newspaper. And it served a valuable function in the lives of many readers, who would flip thru the paper, notice my column, make a mental note, “Oh right, today is Friday. Thank goodness the weekend is almost here,” and then quickly move on to more important stories.

This morning many readers noticed this column and thought, “Hey, is today Friday? Is the weekend almost here? Wait, what day is today? Oh rats!”

And so, without actually writing a single offensive comment yet (my usual stock in trade), this column has already caused anger and frustration throughout the Naugatuck Valley. You’re welcome.

If you haven’t heard, beginning this Friday, the features section of the newspaper will be called HomeStyles, with the focus on home and garden topics. The editors decided my column would not be appropriate, since the only contributions I’m able to offer regarding those subjects would be essays explaining why I think home improvement projects are hazardous to your health, along with my visionary idea that unkempt weeds can be just as lovely as a meticulous flower garden, especially when viewed thru the lens of a six-pack of Bud.

For the foreseeable future, then, this column will be lowering the property values of the Wednesday edition of the newspaper. If you’re new to this column, I hope you find it enjoyable. And if you are familiar with this column, I hope you quickly get over thinking, “Hey, is today Friday?”

Anyway, this is an appropriate time to make a major change, as it is the tenth anniversary of this column. That’s right, it was way back in June of 2001 when the very first “A Matter of Laugh or Death” appeared in this newspaper. I think the topic of that first column was my thoughts on why Arnold Schwarzenegger seemed kind of creepy. (Which just goes to show the more things change, the more they stay the same.)

It’s kind of remarkable that every single week for ten years I’ve managed to compose erudite commentary on the more fascinating aspects of our human experience. Or as my daughter described it, “Over 500 columns, Dad, and we’re still waiting for something interesting.”

During the last decade, I’ve often been asked the following question: “How do you keep coming up with topics about which to write every week?”

The answer is simple. I just make stuff up. A prime example would be the previous question. (C’mon, really. Nobody I know would ever use the phrase, “about which to write every week.” They’d say, “Where’d ya git that idear?”)

It’s a literary device know as “Blarney Style” (or B.S. for short). Actually, sometimes I don’t even have to make stuff up. Reality is often more wacky than fiction, especially when our world has no shortage of pompous politicians and libidinous celebrities, oftentimes the same person (right, Ahh-nold?). I doubt I’ll ever run out of column ideas (I mean “idears”).