BABY BOOMERS AGING GRACEFULLY

 

Some friends of mine, all fellow Baby Boomers, recently had an online discussion about which senior citizen behaviors we hope to avoid as we enter our “golden years.”

 

It all began with my college roommate. To protect his anonymity, we’ll just refer to him as Tom Durner from Bethlehem, PA, who now lives in Marietta, GA. Tom posted this note on Facebook: “We should love and respect those older than us, but we should learn from them as well. I am making a list of things I hope I DO NOT do when I get older. First on my list: mouth noises. You know, those smacking sounds older people make during or after eating.”

 

Then Tom asked his Facebook friends for additional suggestions. Over the next few days, the replies came pouring in from all over the country. This proves two things: first, Tom is a clever guy. He starts will high praise for senior citizens, “We should love and respect those older than us.” And then he immediately goes for the jugular by stating there are things done by senior citizens that gross him out.

 

It’s kind of like when someone starts a sentence with, “Now, I don’t want to stir up any trouble, but—” or, “I would never say anything against him, but—”

 

You have to watch out for the key word, that transitional “but.” As in: I’m not saying she is overweight, but her rear end has its own zip code. (Which in this case would be a butt but.)

 

The other thing this proves is that Facebook is indeed an incredible time-waster. Imagine, dozens of middle-aged professionals, from all across the U.S. of A., devoting considerable amounts of both time and brain cells coming up with less-than-attractive senior citizen behaviors. (It occurred to me—after I offered a few suggestions of my own—that making a list of less-than-attractive senior citizen behaviors was not exactly an attractive behavior.)

 

Here are some of the items that were mentioned:

 

• Mumbling.
   
• Dozing off in mid-conversation.

• Being terrified while driving, and going 15 mph in a 35 mph zone.

• NOT being terrified while driving, and treating red lights as optional.

• Constantly saying, “What did you say?”

• Turning up the volume on the TV to 95 decibels, which causes everyone in the room, regardless of age, to say, “What did you say?”

• Telling the same story over and over again.

• Putting on the car’s turn signal and then leaving it on—forever.

• Check-out line activities, such as: searching for the exact change in a coin purse; buying nine items and using 17 coupons, five of which expired in 2002; and arguing for ten minutes with the check-out clerk that a certain can of cat food should cost 79 cents when the computerized scanner says it’s 89 cents.

• Giving three-hour lectures on your most recent medical procedure.

• Giving three-hour lectures on your most recent medical procedure—complete with lifting up your shirt to show the scar.

After a few days of listing these items online, someone noted (I think it was Tom’s wife): “Hey, we’re doing most of these things already!”

 

So this exercise demonstrated that some of my friends are even more twisted than I am (which made me feel better). Also, it’s evident the Baby Boom generation has no intention of aging gracefully.

 

Speaking of that, let me tell you all about my recent colonoscopy.