'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
MONDAY MORNING GETS ME DOWN
Back in January I had one of those mornings. Just getting out of bed was a major chore. To pull down the blankets, roll over to the side of the bed, and put my wobbly feet on the floor required as much effort as shoveling five tons of snow. Maybe my body felt that way because the day before I had in fact shoveled five tons of snow.
As I shuffled toward the kitchen I remembered hearing on the news a while ago that most heart attacks occur in the morning, right after a person wakes up. So I turned on my most favorite electronic appliance, my coffee maker, and then I turned on my second most favorite electronic appliance, my computer. Actually, before doing this, I first availed myself of my most favorite non-electronic appliance, the one with a flush function.
Anyway, I did an online search of the phrase, “What time of day do heart attacks occur?” The results came back immediately: “Statistically, most heart attacks occur within 1 to 2 hours of waking from sleep.”
Ah ha, I knew it. The act of waking up and getting out of bed is indeed a grueling ordeal, so much so a person risks death every time he or she rolls out of bed. I wonder if my boss would buy that as a valid excuse for not going to work? “Gee, boss, I want to be at the office—really! But if I get out of bed I’m afraid I might croak!” (To which he would probably say, “Not getting a paycheck and not paying one’s mortgage also are health hazards, so maybe you ought to take the risk and get your butt in here, OK?” Or maybe he’d just say, “Good. You’re useless anyway.”)
I’m not sure why getting out of bed causes the greatest risk of heart attack. You would think there are much more strenuous and stressful times during a person’s life, such as shoveling five tons of snow, fighting rush hour traffic on I-84, and being forced to accompany your wife inside a Bed Bath & Beyond store. Yeow, talk about a painful and stressful experience. There should be a law requiring “Husband Defibrillators” at each store location.
As I sat at my computer that morning, fearful that I would clutch my chest and keel over at any moment, I typed another online search question: “What day of the week do heart attacks occur?” Here was the result: “Statistically, the risk of heart attack is 20-percent greater on Mondays.”
It just so happened the morning I was doing this online research was a Monday. My head began to swim as my brain processed the frightening information. I carefully pushed my chair away from the computer table, and then gently laid on the floor next to the chair. A few minutes later my wife came in from the bedroom. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“Oh, I just wanted to make sure I don’t crack my skull when I collapse onto the floor.” She nodded, then said, “That’s nice. Don’t you think it’s time to get ready for work?”
“No, I don’t think so,” I said. “Maybe I should go back to bed.”
“You shouldn’t do that,” my wife said. “You’ve already gotten out of bed once today. That will mean getting out of bed TWICE. You can’t take that risk. C’mon, get up,” she continued. “Going to work will make you feel better. Oh, and don’t forget, when you get home tonight we have to go shopping. We need new bathroom towels.”
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