'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
TIME FLIES BY AT WARP SPEED
Two days ago I said, “Wow, can you believe August is over?! What happened to the summer?!”
No more than two days before that, or so it seems, I said, “Wow, can you believe July is over?! What happened to the first half of summer?!”
And seemingly no more than two days before that, I said something to the effect, “Wow, where did June go?!”
I’m starting to notice a pattern. The months are ticking by as frequently as Lindsay Lohan tosses back a shot of tequila. As often as Linda McMahon stuffs another pile of glossy campaign fliers in my mailbox. As often as Joe Biden utters something profoundly dumb. As often as Sarah Palin says, “You betcha!” As often as Mayor Jarjura pushes to the front of the line at a Chinese buffet restaurant. As often as a certain columnist strings together a series of “As often as” comments in a feeble attempt to be clever. (OK, OK, that’s enough with the “As often as” stuff, don’t you agree? You betcha.)
They don’t make months like they used to. I can remember a time when you could count on at least 30 full days in each and every month. Except February, of course, which comes at a fairly lousy time of year, so you don’t really mind seeing March 1st roll around, with it’s hope that Spring will indeed arrive and the four-foot piles of snow on the sides of your driveway finally will melt away before you catch yourself saying, “Wow, can you believe July is over?!”
But now, a month seems to be no longer than a week—and a short week at that. Talk about inflation!
Time is not just flying by these days, it is traveling at warp speed. I think it’s due to a little known addendum to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. As you all know, the main part of the Theory deals with Einstein’s discovery that time and space are relative. He discovered this phenomenon when his in-laws came to visit, and suddenly the size of his house seemed to shrink and the passage of time seemed to stand still. At first, the brilliant physicist planned to call his finding the Theory of Relatives. But a colleague at Princeton suggested he instead use the word Relativity.
Anyway, a subsection of the main Theory states that the perceived passage of time accelerates in direct proportion to one’s quantity of ear hair. In other words, as you get older, time flies by faster.
My wife reminded me this is the same topic I wrote about almost two decades ago in one of the first humor columns I ever had published. (But it seems like only two DAYS ago!!) That was when I first heard those cherished words of encouragement from my family members and friends: “Um, Bill, was that supposed to be funny?” Ah yes, I still hear that helpful comment quite often even to this day.
When I addressed this subject for the first time, I was in my mid-30s. And I actually thought time was flying by too fast back then? Sheesh. What a dope. If I had only known then what I know now. (For one thing, I would’ve bought Google stock instead of General Motors stock. Yet another brilliant financial decision on my part.)
In conclusion, I’m afraid it will seem like a mere two days from now when we all will be saying, “Wow, can you believe the Holiday Season is here again?!”
So let me be the first to say, “Merry Christmas.” If it seems a bit premature, just wait a few moments.
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