A GREAT INVENTION: MOVIES ON DVD

No doubt there have been some remarkable technological advancements in recent years that have greatly improved our quality of life:

• “Smart” phones the size of a deck of cards that can do hundreds of amazing functions, including the primary function of a cell phone: disconnect the call whenever we drive under a highway overpass.
   
• Plasma screens that are ten feet wide but only two inches thick, which allow us to save money on wall paper since none of the wall is visible anymore.
   
• MP3 players that can store every song ever recorded on a device no larger than our thumb, so that whenever we want to listen to a particular song all we have to do is wander around the house saying, “Did I lose that darn thing again?!”
   
• The Internet website “YouTube,” which as we speak is ruining the future political careers of hundreds of college students whose hilarious “beer and bong and bra” skit won’t seem nearly as funny when it turns up in an opponent’s campaign commercial in 20 years.
   
• Chinese buffet restaurants in every community, which allow us to get a month’s worth of calories in a single sitting.
   
• Miraculous micro-fibers used to make comfortable stretch pants (see previous item).

These advancements are terrific, but by far the best technological development during the past decade has been the shift from movies on VHS tape to movies on DVD disk. When movies were first available on VHS tape over 20 years ago, I thought it was the greatest invention ever. Imagine, being able to watch a film in the peace and quiet of your living room without unruly youngsters running around the theatre, or without your feet sticking to the floor, or without the fear of being hit in the back of the head by flying popcorn and Raisinettes. Imagine, being able to watch a movie without paying the outrageous price of $3.25. (Ticket price in 1987. Kind of quaint now.)

When I view some old VHS tapes, compared to a DVD, it’s like a Model-T Ford compared to a brand new BMW. The advantages of DVD are numerous:

• Optional subtitles. I’m not hearing impaired—yet. (Although my wife would disagree.) But sometimes the dialog is delivered while an explosion occurs in the background, like during the car chase scene in “Mary Poppins.” Or sometimes Mel Gibson is trying to affect a bad Scottish accent. Being able to read what he’s trying to say is a major benefit.
   
• Deleted scenes. Sometimes these deleted scenes fill in some minor gaps in the plot, such as: what the heck IS the plot anyway?
   
• Commentaries by the director and cast members, and “how the film was made” documentaries. These bonus features give us a fascinating behind the scenes look at the magic of Hollywood. For example, the star of a film will explain that enduring the heat and humidity of a five-star hotel in Manila for four weeks really allowed him to “relate to what the G.I.’s experienced in the jungles of Vietnam.” Yes, I’m sure your experience was exactly like theirs, Mr. Movie Star—especially the Swedish masseuse. Thank you for sacrificing so much for the sake of art.
   
• The $5 bargain bin at Walmart, which gives me the chance to see a lot of films I’ve always wanted to see. After finally viewing many of these films, I realize always wanting to see them was a mistake. But at least it’s a low-cost way to fritter away my life with amusement, which after all is the main purpose of modern technology, isn’t it?