BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING – WITH A G.P.S. DEVICE

Recently I drove past a business in a neighboring town. The company must be a detective agency, because a large sign in the window said: “REAL TIME G.P.S. TRACKING – I know where you went last night.”

Whoa. If I’m not mistaken, it sounds like this firm sells devices that will allow someone to spy on someone else. My first thought was, “That can’t be legal, can it?” Don’t tell me it’s legal for people to secretly attach monitoring devices to other people’s cars and then track exactly where and when they travel. This is the real world, not James Bond or Jason Bourne. What about basic privacy rights?

The next thought I had was, “Who would be in the market for such a service?” I guess a lot of folks might be interested, such as people who suspect their spouses of being unfaithful. I can picture a wife confronting her husband: “Ah ha! So you went to the Elks Club meeting last night, huh? Since when do the Elks hold meetings at the exact location of the No-Tell Motel on the Berlin Turnpike?”

He replies, “Um, ever since our Exalted Ruler started cheating on his wife.” Then the wife says, “Oh, I see. Well, in that case— Hey wait a minute! You’re the Exalted Ruler!!”

Maybe parents would be interested in these snooping devices for their teenage children. “OK, Missy, we need to talk. I’m pretty sure the library is not located at the same address as the ‘Suds n’ Duds’ bar, and I KNOW the library is not open until 1 a.m.!”

But that will never work out. Can you imagine a middle-aged parent being more techno-savvy than a teenager? Impossible. The parent won’t even be able to figure out how to activate the device without asking the teen for help, and even if he does, within five minutes of planting the device on the teenager’s car, it will be discovered. “Nice hiding place, Dad. No one would ever notice that you duct taped it to the center of the windshield.”

I’m more concerned these devices will be used by employers to track the movement of delivery truck drivers or outside salesmen—salesmen such as me. “Gee, Dunn,” my boss will say, “I didn’t know we had a customer located at the driving range.”

“Hey, you have no proof I was at the driving range,” I’ll insist. “I deactivated the G.P.S. tracker you put on my company car.”

“Who’s talking about G.P.S.?” my boss will reply. “I know you were there because I SAW you there, you dope. I snuck out of the office to hit a bucket the same time you did.”

“Oh,” I’ll say sheepishly. “In that case…how’d you hit ‘em?!”

In our modern world, we no longer have any privacy. Just think of all the things that spy on us each and every day: G.P.S. tracking devices; E-Z Pass, which records exactly when we go through certain toll booths; security cameras everywhere; software databases that keep a record of every move we make when we use our computers; and the microchips embedded under our skin by secret government operatives while we slept. (OK, I’m kidding about the last one, but it’s not too far off.)

There is a simple solution to this problem: from now on we just avoid doing things we’re not suppose to do. (Just kidding again! Of course that’s impossible in modern, self-indulgent America.)

I think we need to be proactive and plant secret tracking devices on other people’s cars before they plant them on ours. Isn’t it nice living in the Paranoid Age?