THIS BURGER IS CRAZ-E

The other day a friend sent me a copy of a press release. It was an announcement from the The Big E, the huge regional fair in West Springfield, Mass., which opened last week and runs through Sunday, October 4th. The press release hailed the introduction of a new feature at the fair, the “Craz-E Burger.” To quote the release: “This burger consists of a grilled glazed donut sandwiching two crispy thin cut strips of bacon, a beef patty, and a slice of cheese to form a perfect taste sensation. The Craz-E Burger isn't so much crazy as it is delicious.”

My friend added a note to the press release she forwarded to me: “Saw this, and thought of you!”

Well! I resent that remark! How could she possibly think of me when reading about a bacon cheeseburger that uses glazed donuts instead of buns? I would NEVER eat that! I’m lactose intolerant. I would remove the cheese. Then I might add a fried egg. And maybe a slice of Canadian bacon. Then maybe a couple of blueberry pancakes on either side of the glazed donuts. Then maybe deep-fry the whole thing for 60 seconds and roll it in powdered sugar. Then maybe drizzle it with Hershey’s chocolate syrup and some sprinkles. Then maybe stuff some Reese’s Peanut Butter cups underneath the pancakes. Then maybe have a paramedic on stand-by with a portable defibrillator. If The Big E offered this menu selection, then my friend might be correct to think of me.

Actually, The Big E is a bit behind the curve. Using donuts instead of hamburger buns is not exactly news. Comedian Jim Gaffigan talked about this years ago: “We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle—here comes the Donut-ham-hamburger!’”

Apparently the folks at The Big E did not get the memo that anything tastier than lettuce dipped in hummus is verboten. I’ve lost count of the number of activist groups and health nannies running around these days trying to outlaw unhealthy foods. If they can’t outright ban certain tasty items, they try to impose extra taxes and develop a sense of shame surrounding the food.

But have you noticed the more these busybodies try to force America to eat healthier, the more inclined Americans are to respond by flipping them the bird (specifically a piece of greasy fried chicken)? Instead of shame, we have become even more proud of our gluttony. 

There’s a place in Arizona called the Heart Attack Grill. Their specialty is the Quadruple Bypass Burger, which consists of four beef patties, lots of bacon and cheese and special sauce, plus a little lettuce, tomato, and red onions for color. The thing is about a foot high and weighs maybe three pounds. This restaurant’s attitude is: if you eat here you’re gonna die, but at least you’ll be happy.

The health nannies don’t understand human nature. The minute you declare something is forbidden, people want it. What they should do is employ reverse psychology. We need a government campaign that says people are allowed to eat ONLY Craz-E Burgers, the Quaduple Bypass Special, and donuts. If this happened, the lettuce and hummus would fly off the supermarket shelves. Which would be great, because it would leave more burgers and donuts for me.