HOLIDAYS FOR EVERY OCCASION

Holidays used to be rare occasions, for example, the commemoration of special birthdays—Christmas and the 4th of July—or important national events—Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving. But now it seems there are more holidays than there are days in the year.

Below is a list of official holidays, some you may have heard of, and others a bit more obscure. By “official,” I mean each of these holidays has its own Web site that explains how people should celebrate the particular day. And as we all know, if it’s on the Internet, it must be true.

“Pi Day,” March 14th. This holiday is in honor of the mathematical value “pi,” which is the exact ratio of the circumference of a circle to a cubit, or maybe a kilogram or something. Pi is a number with an endless string of decimals, and begins with 3.14… So March 14th (3-14, get it?) was picked as the official day. In reality, this holiday was invented by math geeks who were unable to get dates exactly one month earlier on February 14th (Halloween), who figured they’d have a better chance with the ladies by using that tried and true, suave pick-up line, “Hey babe, would you like a piece of pi?”

“Star Wars Day,” May 4th. The exact date was selected because of the famous line in the movie, “May the fourth be with you.” (From the director’s cut version on DVD, where the part of Obi-wan Kenobi was played by Sylvester the Cat.) Once again, this particular holiday was invented by geeks hoping to get girls to date them.

“National Flossing Day,” the day after Thanksgiving. Most people assume this holiday was invented by Johnson & Johnson, the company that owns the world’s largest dental floss farm in Montana. (You need high altitude, thin air to get that temperamental twine to blossom properly.) However, this holiday was invented by sneaky dentists who want more patients with bad teeth, because everyone knows if you wait until the next day to floss, it’s too late. If they really cared about good dental hygiene, National Flossing Day should be celebrated on Thanksgiving afternoon, which means it would share a holiday with “National Pass Out on the Couch While Watching Football Day.”

“National Doughnut Day,” June 1st. Some holidays are so special, they should be celebrated every day. This is one of them.

“Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day,” the last Monday in January. This holiday occurs approximately five weeks after Christmas, the amount of time it takes the average person to finish popping all the bubbles on the bubble wrap from the Christmas gifts. Why do people enjoy popping bubble wrap? For the same reason we breathe: because it’s fun.

“World Naked Gardening Day,” May 3rd. I’m not sure where this holiday came from (it might’ve been invented by mosquitoes), but I’m very glad no one in my neighborhood celebrates it.

“Take Your Dog to Work Day,” June 26th. Obviously this holiday was created by the Professional Carpet Cleaners Association.

Some others of the literally hundreds of odd holidays include: “National Cotton Candy Day,” December 7th; “Left-handers Day,” August 13th; “National Napping Day,” March 9th; “Monkey Day,” December 14th; “Appreciate a Dragon Day,” January 16th; and my favorite, a day set aside especially NOT to celebrate anything, “National Nothing Day,” January 16th.

Wait a minute! Nothing Day and Dragon Day are on the same date! So we can’t even have one day when we are free from annoying and frivolous “Days.” It’s enough to make you depressed. Which is why there is “National Depression Day,” October 9th.