'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
MAY 1ST: TIME FOR NEW YEARíS RESOLUTIONS
Today is May 1st. It has been exactly four months since January 1st, the day you made all those grandiose New Yearís resolutions. So now that weíre well into 2009, how are those resolutions working out?
By now you must have kicked the smoking habit completely, right? The physical cravings ceased a couple of months ago, and now the emotional urge to light up finally is gone, too, correct?
And by now you must be 20 pounds lighter than you were on New Yearís Day, right? It was hard work, and it took a lot of discipline, but it was well worth the effort, huh? Just in time for swimsuit season! I bet youíll turn a lot of heads at the beach this summer.
Whatís that you say? You didnít quit smoking after all? You didnít lose 20 pounds? You did WHAT?! You actually gained another ten pounds since January? Well, yes, it was a rather cold winter this year. And yes, Hostess Ding Dongs are a good source of internal fuel to generate body heat.
What about your other New Yearís resolutions? What about the plans to quite swearing, to exercise more, to stop watching so much TV, to pay off credit card debt, and to quit drinking?
Really? Not a single one of them made it past noon on January 4th? Oh, and the quit drinking resolution didnít make it past noon on January 1st? Thatís understandable. Itís hard to watch the Rose Bowl Parade on TV without a shot and a beer.
So why am I bringing this up four months after New Yearís Day? Am I trying to make you feel badóor at least worse, since you already feel bad enough from all those cigarettes, Ding Dongs, and underwear thatís now way too tight?
Am I simply trying to set an all-time record for the most question marks used in a single newspaper column? Maybe. What do you think???
Am I trying to say, ďHa ha, look at all the resolutions Iíve kept and you didnít!Ē? Are you crazy? If you do an Internet search for the phrase, ďLack of willpower,Ē it brings you directly to my Web site. Back in January I noticed that when I stood up I could barely see my toes. So I vowed to lose some weight. Now, four months later, when I stand up I canít even tell if I still have feet.
No, the reason I am discussing New Yearís resolutions on May 1st is because Iím in the same boat you are, and I want to help. I want to be a source of encouragement and optimism.
You see, January is the worst month of the year to make any kind of lifestyle change that involves willpower. In January itís cold and dark and depressing. How can anyone get motivated to do something difficult under those circumstances? Just getting out of bed and making it to work on time (almost) in January is hard enough.
But now itís May. Spring is here. Finally itís warm and sunny outside. Now is the best time to resolve to cut back to one box of Ding Dongs per week. Also, since itís May, you canít hide your Ding Dong addiction under a layer of three bulky sweatersómore incentive to drop a few pounds.
I think this is a much better time of year to make resolutions. The odds are much higher that weíll have the willpower to achieve our goals. So letís resolve, right now on May 1st, to keep all those failed resolutions we made back in January.
You go first.
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