THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

Did you know there is a region of the human brain known as the “Cognitive pre-oracular analyzer and modifier”? Sometimes it is referred to as the “Brain-mouth filter.” When healthcare professionals and brain surgeons gather at medical conferences, the clinical term they use for this part of the brain is the “Shutta-you-face gland.”

Whichever term is used, the purpose of this amazing portion of the human brain is to prevent people from blurting out every single thought that happens to pop into their heads. For example, I once heard about a man who was strolling down the sidewalk with his wife one warm spring afternoon. As they walked, they passed a young woman who appeared as if she were on her way to Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion to audition to be next month’s centerfold—and that there was no doubt she would be the unanimous selection.

After the young woman passed by, the wife said, “Did you see how that woman was dressed…and in public?!”

Now, the first thought that popped into the husband’s head was, “Yeah! And she was smokin’ HOT!!” But instantly, the brain-mouth filter deep inside his skull analyzed that thought and determined the couch in the living room is far too uncomfortable to sleep on for the next two weeks. So the filter quickly revised the thought and keypunched in some edited text. All this took place in a fraction of a second. Without missing a beat the man’s mouth replied, “Woman? What woman? You mean that old lady on the park bench feeding the pigeons?”

The wife shook her head and muttered, but deep down she was pleased that her husband at least was polite enough to pretend not to notice. Then she assisted him in shoving his eyeballs back into his skull. Fortunately, the man’s brain-mouth filter prevented an awkward situation from turning into a very unhappy situation.

In another example, I once heard about a man who worked in sales, and had one particular customer who was extremely demanding. The salesman worked overtime to provide the right products at a good price, and always made sure the deliveries were on time. One day, as the delivery truck arrived at the customer’s shop (on time, of course), the customer called the salesman at his office and said, “I’m not taking this delivery. I can get this equipment cheaper from your competition.”

The first thought that popped into the salesman’s head was, “You blanking son-of-a-blankety blank! I’m gonna drive over there right now and shove those 12 air-conditioners right down your blanking throat!!” However, the brain-mouth filter quickly analyzed that thought and said, “Hmm, it would be interesting to see 12 air conditioners shoved down that bozo’s throat, but it’s still not the proper thing to say.” So after a quick revision, the salesman said, “Well, how about if I knock five-percent off the price?” to which the customer replied, “OK, I’ll accept the delivery.”

Then the salesman thought, “Good thing I jacked up my quotation ten-percent yesterday.” The brain-mouth filter said, “Let’s keep that information to ourselves, OK pal?”

Unfortunately, some people are born with faulty brain-mouth filters, or no filter at all. Joe Biden comes to mind. Other people with perfectly healthy brain-mouth filters often disable them by getting drunk. We are now just days away from New Year’s Eve, the day of the year when brain-mouth filters are disabled the most. So please be careful!

You can always tell when a person has a properly functioning brain-mouth filter. He begins every personal story with, “For example, I once heard about a man…”