'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

RETIREMENT OPTIONS ARE LIMITED

Retirement is a hot topic these days, and no one seems very happy about it. Ironically, half the people are complaining about retiring too early, and the other half are complaining about retiring too late. The early retirees are mad because they were suddenly and unexpectedly laid off at the age of 55, which means they are too old to get hired at another good job and too young to be the guy who says, “Welcome to Walmart.” The late retirees are mad because they no longer can retire as planned since the Wall Street meltdown caused their once-impressive retirement fund to have the exact same value as a bag of stale Cheetos. (Actually, I think the Cheetos are more valuable, because even when stale they have a higher nutritional content than eating worthless Lehman Brothers stock certificates.)

When it comes to the topic of retirement, I take the optimistic approach, which is why I selected Option “B” on the company retirement plan. Under Option “B,” just before my 65th birthday I am required to have a massive and fatal heart attack in the office one morning, and slump face-first onto my desk. The need for long term retirement income, medical insurance, orthopedic boxer shorts, and all the other concerns of the so-called “golden years” mercifully will not be a problem.

(When I first began to tell people my smart-aleck Option “B” story, back when I was in my early 40s, it was rather amusing. However, now that age 65 is slightly more than a decade away, the story doesn’t strike me as quite so funny anymore. I haven’t come up with an Option “C” story yet, but it probably will involve the phrase, “Welcome to Walmart.”)

If you think the topic of retirement is causing a lot of unhappiness today, just wait. Many experts predict that a Pension Bomb soon will explode all over America. Some experts say when the Baby Boom generation is ready to retire, there will be far too many people looking for Social Security, Medicare, and private pension payments, and far too little actual money available to do it. An economic meltdown of biblical proportions will be the inevitable result, including most senior citizens being forced to survive on stale Cheetos, which have a higher nutritional content than worthless government entitlement IOUs. And this is what the optimistic experts say. The pessimistic experts paint a far gloomier picture, including the horrifying scenario of all 77 million Baby Boomers moving into the basements of their children’s houses.

I hate to point the finger of blame, but once again it is my generation, the Baby Boomers, who are the heart of the problem. We have been causing shortages our entire lives. In the late 1940s and early ‘50s, we caused a shortage of hospital incubators when we burst onto the scene in record numbers. In the late ‘50s we caused a shortage of Hula Hoops. In the ‘60s and ‘70s we caused a shortage of hash pipes on college campuses (although we did not cause a shortage of soap). In the ‘80s we caused a shortage of blow dryers. In the 90’s we caused a shortage of SUVs. Today we have caused a shortage of Botox. And in the coming years we will cause a shortage of retirement money.

Although we Baby Boomers have been spoiled and self-absorbed our whole lives, we had better lower our expectations and demands, and be satisfied with the basement and Cheetos retirement lifestyle. Otherwise, I wouldn’t blame our kids for implementing a nationwide Option “B,” which means we once again will cause a shortage, this time of caskets.

©2008