'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
SUPERMARKET HELPFUL HINTS
In last week’s column I discussed the fact that it had been many years since I was inside a modern supermarket. (If you didn’t see that column I believe you can find it prominently displayed at the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C.)
Because the Food Acquisition Technique (F.A.T.) in our family was a bit unfair—my wife did all the shopping and I did all the eating—I finally volunteered to help out. So one day a number of months ago my wife wrote out a shopping list, stuffed a large wad of coupons into my pocket, pinned a little note to my jacket with my name and phone number just in case I became disoriented, and sent me off to the nearby Tons O’ Grub super colossal mega jumbo grocery store.
As I walked through the sliding glass entry doors you could actually hear via hidden loudspeakers the theme music of the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.” When I passed through those doors, the vast enormity of the facility took my breath away. (Note to self: vast and enormity mean the same thing. Stop being so redundantly repetitive.) I now know what the first-century Christians must have felt like when they entered into the Roman Coliseum, although my experience in the supermarket was significantly more painful compared to their experience with gladiators, lions, insurance agents, etc.
Here is a list of helpful hints for other guys who might find themselves inside a modern supermarket:
If you follow these helpful hints, I guarantee everything will work out fine. (“Fine” being defined as: your wife will never send you grocery shopping again.)
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