'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
RALPH ‘QUIXOTE’ TILTS AGAIN AT PRESIDENTIAL WINDMILL
(Note: my regular column got bumped this week because of
space limitations in the newspaper, so instead, here's a column
that was printed on the editorial page about a month ago, right
after Connecticut native Ralph Nader launched yet another
Ralph Nader recently announced he is running for president again. Oh my, who let crazy Uncle Ralph out of the attic? Winsted’s favorite son, Ralph Quixote, is tilting at windmills again.
Ralph’s presidential platform is very simple:
I guess Ralph is one of those utopian dreamers who thinks the benevolent government creates jobs, rather than private sector companies competing in the marketplace. Gee, in this regard, Ralph is no different than Hillary Stalin Clinton or The Obamessiah (all praise his holy name).
To be fair, the military does waste a ton of money; the U.S. health care system has serious problems; corporations often are greedy and heartless; and many decent middle-class jobs have been shipped to China in recent years. (It’s an interesting arrangement: we send China our jobs and our money, and they send us lead-coated consumer crap.)
So yeah, there certainly are many problems in the U.S. in need of solutions. The next president will be facing a daunting challenge, to say the least.
But to think that Ralph’s proposals will improve our nation is downright comical. Only someone who has spent too much time listening to Ivy League professors could possibly think his brand of socialism has a prayer of working in the real world.
If Ralph’s ideas are ever implemented in America, our economy and standard of living will be very similar to other bastions of socialism, such as North Korea, Cuba, and inner-city Hartford. In other words, we’ll all get to experience what it’s like to have no job, no food, and no hope.
But Ralph is sure to make things interesting—that is, if the two major parties let him join the campaign fun. You see, the Democrats are mad at Ralph. They blame him for Al Gore’s defeat in 2000. (Which is why I’ll be forever grateful to Ralph. No matter how bad you think Bush has been, a President Gore would have been as disastrous as a, well, as a President Nader.)
And Republicans are mad at Ralph, too, since they don’t like anyone who questions whether $400 million compensation packages for corporate CEOs might be a tad bit, um, excessive.
So it’s not certain whether Ralph will appear in any debates. And he probably won’t be running a lot of TV ads, as his entire campaign war chest contains exactly $27.52 cash and two $10 Dunkin Donut gift cards (which, of course, Ralph refuses to use since DD is an evil corporation).
If we don’t hear much from Ralph during the campaign, at least here in Litchfield County we still love Ralph. Just as Torrington has a famous native son, John Brown, whose birthplace is immortalized on every city-issued garbage can, Winsted also has a famous native son: Ralph Nader.
And just like John Brown, ‘ol Ralph has a few screws loose. Maybe someday he too will be immortalized on city-issued garbage cans.
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