HOW TO SOLVE THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS

Last week I noted that at our current pace, the health care industry soon will make up 100-percent of the entire U.S. economy, with half the population working in the health care business and the other half of the population receiving medical treatment. This will pose a significant problem as other important occupations that make up the economy, such as auto mechanic and bartender, will be left unfilled or performed by medical professionals in their spare time.

To reduce the skyrocketing cost of health care services, I predict that modern technology soon will allow many expensive medical procedures to be done at home with “do-it-yourself” kits. Looking at just the medical procedures I have personally experienced over the years, here are some possibilities:

Wisdom teeth extraction.
There are plenty of top quality, heavy-duty hand tools available at Home Depot. The key to a successful at-home wisdom tooth extraction will be anesthesia. Well, I know that every Thanksgiving Day, at approximately 3 p.m., I go into a turkey-induced coma. All we need to do is feed the patient massive doses of turkey, and when he or she finally passes out, we go to work.

Knee surgery.
When I had my knee operated on decades ago, the procedure was very primitive. The surgeon opened up my leg like a tuna fish can (after, or course, giving me massive doses of turkey). Then he rooted around in there until he found some torn and ripped stuff, removed some of it and repaired the rest—mostly with sheetrock screws and Crazy Glue—and then he sewed me back up. Afterward I was in a full-leg cast for eight weeks.

Nowadays knee surgery is ultra high tech, often done arthroscopically (Italian for “without musical accompaniment”), using a tiny camera mounted on the end of a needle-like tube, which sucks out the torn and ripped stuff. Instead of a full-leg cast for eight weeks, patients today often go straight from surgery to their tap dancing lessons.

To be able to do this procedure at home we just need some of our more brilliant scientific minds (not me, obviously) to adapt currently available household items to the task. I’m thinking: cell phone camera, small plastic cocktail straws, and a turkey baster (which is part of the anesthesia procedure anyway).

Prostate exam.
Well now, every person in a family has a forefinger, right? (Not to be confused with four fingers—ouch!). Just choose a family member who is not angry at you, give him or her a rubber glove, have him or her feel to see if there is a lump on the ol’ prostate, and voilà (French for “ouch!”), you’re done. You’re done, that is, unless a lump is detected. In that case, sterilize a steak knife and a needle-nose pliers. And put a turkey in the oven.

Colonoscopy.
This procedure also will require the adaptation of current household items, including the cell phone camera and a garden hose. I’m not sure if it is necessary, but I’d recommend having a turkey baster on stand-by, just in case.

If my suggestions are heeded, the expensive health care industry no longer will be one-fifth of the entire U.S. economy. Instead, the funeral parlor business will be. And if my suggestions are implemented, those other important occupations that make up the economy—such as auto mechanic and bartender—will not be performed by medical professionals in their spare time. Which is a very good thing, because if our society is crazy enough to put my suggestions into action, we are going to need a lot of skilled bartenders.