'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
HOW TO SOLVE THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS
Last week I noted that at our current pace, the health care industry soon will make up 100-percent of the entire U.S. economy, with half the population working in the health care business and the other half of the population receiving medical treatment. This will pose a significant problem as other important occupations that make up the economy, such as auto mechanic and bartender, will be left unfilled or performed by medical professionals in their spare time.
To reduce the skyrocketing cost of health care services, I predict that modern technology soon will allow many expensive medical procedures to be done at home with “do-it-yourself” kits. Looking at just the medical procedures I have personally experienced over the years, here are some possibilities:
Nowadays knee surgery is ultra high tech, often done arthroscopically (Italian for “without musical accompaniment”), using a tiny camera mounted on the end of a needle-like tube, which sucks out the torn and ripped stuff. Instead of a full-leg cast for eight weeks, patients today often go straight from surgery to their tap dancing lessons.
To be able to do this procedure at home we just need some of our more brilliant scientific minds (not me, obviously) to adapt currently available household items to the task. I’m thinking: cell phone camera, small plastic cocktail straws, and a turkey baster (which is part of the anesthesia procedure anyway).
If my suggestions are heeded, the expensive health care industry no longer will be one-fifth of the entire U.S. economy. Instead, the funeral parlor business will be. And if my suggestions are implemented, those other important occupations that make up the economy—such as auto mechanic and bartender—will not be performed by medical professionals in their spare time. Which is a very good thing, because if our society is crazy enough to put my suggestions into action, we are going to need a lot of skilled bartenders.
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