CATHOLIC NO-MEAT RULE KIND OF FISHY

At lunch last week I had to call the waitress back and change my order from a turkey club sandwich to the grilled salmon. Then I explained to the guys at the table, “I forgot it’s Friday. Can’t eat meat during Lent.”

This prompted a discussion, the main gist of which was: “So let me get this straight. To engage in personal sacrifice and abstinence, you Catholics can’t eat a cheeseburger or a turkey club on Friday, but you can eat, say, lobster or shrimp?”

My erudite and insightful reply was, “Um, yeah, sort of.”

The no-meat-on-Friday rule is such an ingrained Catholic tradition, I really hadn’t given it much thought recently. (I am using, of course, the definition of “much thought recently” that means: never thought about it ever.)

To me, having to eat fish on Friday is a major sacrifice because I’m not a big fan of fish. Compared to a steak or a burger, in my view anything from the sea just doesn’t match up. (This reminds me of the observation made by my favorite comedian, Jim Gaffigan: “What’s the best thing to put on fish? Anything that kills the taste of fish!”)

Back when I was a kid, the rule was that you could not eat meat on Fridays all year long, which probably explains why I still break out in a fearful cold sweat at the mere mention of the words “fish sticks.” Now it’s just the Fridays during Lent, only about six or seven days total. (I could find out exactly how many days, but that would require that I get up from my computer and look at a calendar. Yes, I am actually that lazy.)

From what I can gather, the tradition against eating meat on Fridays dates back to a time when red meat was an expensive luxury, while fish was commonplace and cheap. I suppose a lot of faithful peasants back then proudly declared, “Hey, today is Friday, so I refuse to eat something I can’t afford anyway.”

The idea of abstinence, denying ourselves of something that we typically enjoy, is a pretty foreign concept in our modern day instant-gratification culture. The motto of most Americans these days seems to be, “I want what I want, and I want it now!!”

American Catholics are not exactly standing in line to engage is special fasting and abstinence. We’re like most other people, immediately trying to figure out a loophole (such as the great “sacrifice” of substituting lobster for a cheeseburger).

On a Catholic website, someone wrote, “Forget the no-meat thing. The Church should declare that Catholics must abstain from television every Friday. Now that would be a major sacrifice.”

Whoa, let’s not go crazy. I prefer the peasant approach: refuse to do something I can’t afford anyway. On Fridays during Lent I think I’ll give up driving around in a BMW Z4 Roadster. That ought to show God how holy and reverent I am.

Speaking of Lent, my parish is hosting a series of Lenten lectures. In a moment of extremely poor judgment, our pastor agreed to let me give one of the talks. If you’re anywhere near Immaculate Heart of Mary church in Harwinton (corner of Rtes. 4 and 118) next Wednesday, March 5th, at 7 p.m, feel free to stop by. My presentation is titled: “Jesus Christ: The Most Politically Incorrect Person in History.” In violation of every Catholic rule on the books, there will NOT be a collection. But in keeping with the theme of my talk, I will try to offend as many people as possible.