TO BE OR NOT TO BE AT THE MALL

I went to the mall during the Christmas shopping season. Yes, I admit it, that was crazy behavior. For someone like me—who dislikes shopping, large crowds, and parking lots that are so huge you’re guaranteed to forget where your car is—it is pretty dumb to go to a mall during December. That makes about as much sense as President Bush auditioning for a role in a Shakespearean play. (“To be, or, uh, ain’t to be? That question is kind of, well, the type of important question we need to be thinkin’ on, when…um, it’s important.”)

The mall is a pretty weird place. Some observations:

• Statistics show that at least one-third of all Americans these days are obese. But based on the typical crowd at the mall, you’d think 90-percent of citizens are classified as Horizontally-Endowed Americans. Why do malls attract a disproportionate number of disproportionate people? When the mall is crowded, like during December, it is difficult to move around without repeatedly getting knocked off balance by blubber bumps (in hockey terms, “hip checks”). It’s hard to concentrate on Christmas shopping when you’re terrified that a particularly forceful bump will knock you to the ground, where you’ll be trampled to death in a matter of seconds, and when the mall finally closes at 11 p.m. the maintenance crew will have to gather up your remains with a sponge and a bucket.
   
• The central walkways in the mall are filled with kiosks selling jewelry, tee-shirts, watches, perfume, and pretty much anything you’d normally find inside one of the regular stores. Not only do these kiosks cut down on available walking space (see the previous item for why this is important), but you can’t walk more than five feet without an obnoxious sales clerk stepping into your path and saying, “Would you like to try…?” while holding up some unidentifiable product. Sure, pal, I’d love for an annoying stranger to wrap something around my head or spray something into my face. Sheesh. I’ve discovered an effective technique to ward off these kiosk pests. As you’re walking through the mall, always keep your cell phone in your hand. When one of these sales clerks makes eye contact with you, hold the phone up to your head and begin an imaginary conversation. When they say, “Would you like…?” quickly reply, “Sorry, important phone call…” then keep walking. It works every time. Although when I got home from the mall, I discovered the back of my coat had been sprayed with multiple perfumes and lotions.
   
• Speaking of cell phones, I noticed something very odd at the mall. Virtually all the shoppers in the mall had cell phones, which were often used for actual phone conversations rather than phantom conversations to avoid kiosk pests. However, in the mall there were at least 10 different stores selling new cell phones. I can’t figure out the math. If 99-percent of the shoppers already own cell phones, then how are these stores selling enough new phones to stay in business? It can’t be cheap for retailers to rent space in a big, fancy mega mall. During the entire time I was at the mall, I did not see a single new cell phone being sold.

After three hours of observing cell phone retailers and avoiding bumps and pests, I realized I had yet to purchase a single Christmas gift. So I left the mall empty handed. But I did have some important questions to ponder, in the immortal words of Shakespeare: the type of important questions we need to be thinkin’ on, when…um, it’s important.