BUREAUCRATIC NIGHTMARE ON THE HIGH (LOW) SEAS

By the time you read this, the boat finally might be floating again. By the time you read this, Peter Halmos’ two-year nightmare finally might be over. Of course, by the time you read this, the entire universe might not exist anymore, having been sucked into the dreaded Black Hole of Stupidity emanating from Washington D.C. (In that case, you are probably not in the mood to read this anyway.)

Let me explain. Peter Halmos is a native of Hungary who came to the U.S. years ago and made a fortune in the business world. In 1995 Peter rewarded himself for all his hard work by purchasing The Legacy, a 158-foot luxury yacht.

Two years ago, when Hurricane Wilma blew through the Gulf of Mexico, Halmos tried to ride out the storm aboard his beloved boat, but the anchors gave way and The Legacy was run aground in shallow water off the western tip of Key West, Florida. Thankfully the ship was not seriously damaged. It was just sitting there in about a foot of water, stuck on the sand.

No problem, right? All Halmos had to do was hire a tug boat with a long cable that could drag the yacht back out into deeper water. But wait, not so fast. Although Halmos thought at first that he was very lucky the boat had not been destroyed by the storm, it turns out he wasn’t so lucky after all. You see, Hurricane Wilma did not just run the boat aground, it ran the boat aground on a FEDERALLY PROTECTED AREA.

Before Halmos could even look up the name of a tug boat captain in the Yellow Pages, dozens of bureaucrats from Washington D.C. descended upon the scene and announced that he could not move the boat so much as an inch—under the threat of massive fines and imprisonment—because The Legacy had come to rest on top of something very precious.

What was this precious thing? Was the yacht on top of a bus filled with nuns? Did the boat land on an orphanage? Were the red-and-white striped legs of the Wicked Witch of the East sticking out from under the hull of the ship? Oh no, nothing that mundane. The Legacy was sitting on top of, hold your breath, sensitive seagrass.

Yes, that’s right. Sensitive seagrass. In the bureaucrats’ opinion, dragging the boat out into deeper water might damage some sensitive seagrass. Now, I’m not a marine horticulturalist, but I suspect that seagrass, sensitive or otherwise, has been surviving for thousands of years off the Florida Keys, long before Washington bureaucrats came along to protect it. And I suspect that seagrass, being a plant, which means it is slightly more intelligent than the average Washington bureaucrat, knows that it’s job in life is to reproduce and grow baby seagrass. This means if the boat were simply dragged away, the seagrass eventually would, to use the technical marine horticultural term, get over it.

But no, that’s not the way the bureaucrats see it. For two years now, Peter Halmos has been stuck in limbo. He cannot move his yacht, and he cannot just leave it there, as it would be a ripe target for thieves and vandals. So for the past two years he has been living on the boat, guarding it from potential thieves, while battling in the courts against actual thieves on the government payroll.

By the time you read this, Halmos’ nightmare might be over. On the other hand, by the time you read this, Washington bureaucrats might be in the process of ruining your life, too. It’s what they do.