'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
HEY GUYS, PARTY AT MY HOUSE!
Woman are constantly having parties: Tupperware parties, Mary Kay parties, Pampered Chef, jewelry, spices, cutlery, candles, baskets, and scrap-booking parties, just to name a few.
If there is a product that women might buy, there is a multi-level marketing company selling it via parties at someone’s home. Usually the most important aspect of these home parties is the social interaction between the gathered group of women.
It’s considered to be a fun “girls night out,” even though the evening often ends with either a sizeable check being written or at least a lower cost “pity purchase” to thank the host for the invitation into her home.
(By the way, I am aware of all this inside information, not from firsthand experience, but because a close family member of the female persuasion explained it to me after I asked why sizeable checks were recently written.)
My question is: how come there are no guy parties? I mean, guys buy stuff. Why are there no multi-level marketing companies organizing a network of sales and social parties at the homes of guys? I am not aware of a single product that uses the Tupperware-Mary Kay marketing model.
And of course, guys like to socialize just as much as the ladies. Ever been to a sports bar during a Red Sox-Yankees game? Guys engage in all sorts of communication and bonding activities—oftentimes even employing words. (But never actual full sentences.)
So it seems to me there is a huge untapped market for guy parties. Now, obviously the products will be much different. Guys have no interest in products that either help prepare food or store the leftover food. (With guys, there are never any leftovers anyway.) Products such as make-up and jewelry certainly are out. And scrap-booking? Most guys would rather get a prostate exam from Captain Hook than attend a scrap-booking party.
Here are some possible ideas:
Beer tasting party. You ask: how will this differ, exactly, from a night at a sports bar, other than the fact there will be only three TV screens to watch rather than 15? Um, I’m not sure, but it sounded like a good idea.
Power tool party. This could be a little tricky. At a Mary Kay party, for example, I assume the ladies take turns applying some make-up, looking in mirrors, and complimenting each other (well, at least the host, who is looking for more than a few pity purchases, does a lot of complimenting). At these parties, there is very little chance for major structural damage to the host’s home. But at a guy’s power tool party, it is likely that numerous holes will be drilled into numerous walls, sections of major pieces of furniture will be sawed off, and impromptu skylights will be carved into the roof.
Sports memorabilia party. Guys could place orders for team hats and jerseys, autographed baseballs and bats, and framed photographs of outstanding moments in sports history. (Such as the time in 1978 when I made it all the way from the concession stand back to my seat in the bleachers of Fenway Park without spilling a single drop of the two cups of beer I was carrying. The official Major League Baseball record book indicates this spectacular sports feat has not been repeated since.)
Although guys certainly buy a lot of stuff, I think there are two reasons why no companies sell products using guy parties: 1) most guys are not allowed to touch the family checkbook, and 2) our wives would be forced to clean up afterward.
Oh well, see you at the sports bar.
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