TIME FOR A BRAVEHEART PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

Don’t you hate presidential debates? Me too. Apparently I’m not the only one, since the last nationally televised debated had exactly 11 viewers—and that’s only if you count the eight candidates on stage.

Don’t you hate presidential debates that occur more that a year before the election? Me too. I think one of the recent televised debates was actually for the 2012 presidential election, as the 2008 election is now too near (only 14 months away!) for some of the candidates to raise enough money.

Don’t you hate presidential debates where you’ve never even heard of half the candidates taking part? Me too. I’m not a political junkie, but I pay fairly close attention to politics, which puts me in the distinct minority of America citizens. So if I’ve never heard of a particular candidate, then how can he or she possibly have a snowball’s chance in Miami of winning?

Don’t you hate presidential debates where you HAVE heard of the candidates, but most of them are preening egomaniacs who don’t have a snowball’s chance in Miami of winning, but they’re in the debate anyway because running a hopeless campaign for the presidency feeds their insatiable desire for attention? Me too. One person quickly comes to mind, but there’s no reason to name this pompous, commie-coddling, white haired windbag from my home state.

And finally, don’t you hate presidential debates where the moderator asks a question, the candidate responds by ignoring the question and instead spouts a mini campaign speech, and then the moderator concludes by actually THANKING the candidate for ignoring the question? Me too too too! Where do they get these moderators, the Upper East Side School of Spineless Journalism? The Institute for Boot Licking Toady Reporters? If I were the moderator I’d bring along an air horn. As soon as the candidate ignored my question and launched into his mini campaign speech, I’d point the horn at him and, “HONNNNNK!!!”

“Sorry, Senator Windbag,” I’d say. “You ignored the question, so now we will ignore you. Security, please remove him from the stage.”

Wait, I have a better idea. If you haven’t seen the award-winning movie “Braveheart,” then this will make no sense. But if you have, do you remember the scene where the wacky Irishman, Stephen, first joins William Wallace’s army? He comes into the camp acting kind of weird, and periodically looks up and converses out loud with God.

When one of Wallace’s men speaks to him, Stephen replies, “The Almighty says don't change the subject. Just answer the [bleepin’] question!”

That was one of the best moments in that very good movie. Anyway, I think we should take that little five-second sound bite from the movie soundtrack, and have it ready to play on a massive sound system, maybe with column speakers about the same size as The Rolling Stones’ equipment when they play a concert at a football stadium. The debate moderator will have a large red button in front of him, and if one of the candidates ignores the question and launches into a campaign speech, the moderator will hit the button, causing an ear-splitting, window-rattling sound, a booming Irish voice saying, “ANSWER THE [BLEEPIN’] QUESTION!!!!”

That would be so great. It might even get the majority of American citizens, so ignorant about politics that they wouldn’t know the Constitution from constipation, to start paying attention.

This idea raises two questions: Where will we get a moderator with enough backbone to hit the red button? And can I get a hand-held device to play that loud sound bite? It would come in handy at work.