'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
THE LIFEBLOOD OF THE U.S. ECONOMY
Our American way-of-life is threatened. A key substance that fuels our nation’s prosperity must be imported from foreign lands—oftentimes unfriendly, hostile foreign lands. This product has been called the “lifeblood of the U.S. economy.” In recent years the price of this precious commodity has skyrocketed, but we Americans continue to purchase it in record amounts regardless of cost. Experts warn that if our supply is ever cut off, the entire economy surely will collapse.
I am speaking, of course, about coffee.
Oh yes, many people point out that oil is an important part of our economy—which it is, I suppose. But coffee is our true addiction. Coffee is the fuel that gets us out of bed in the morning and off to work. It is the juice that keeps us going through ten-, twelve-, and fourteen-hour work days. Coffee is without a doubt the main reason why the American economy is so fast-paced and productive. It is the lifeblood of our economy.
Just like other addictive drugs, coffee has many street slang monikers: Java, Joe, Mud, Drip, Morning Jolt, High Test, Motor Oil, Jamoke, Perk, and Lemon Pledge. (Oh wait, that last one is not coffee. No wonder I felt so lousy a few weeks ago).
America’s insatiable appetite for coffee can best be demonstrated by the fact that I can get my personal morning fix at any one of over 20 different places within a two-mile radius of my home. There is the coffee maker on our kitchen counter, not to mention the backup coffee maker in a kitchen cabinet, just in case we experience one of those dreaded early morning mechanical failures.
There are half-a-dozen convenience stores, each selling a vast array of freshly brewed coffee (as long as you get there by 7 a.m. If you’re looking for a fresh cup at, say, 2 p.m., you might want to steer clear of convenience stores).
There are three fast-food restaurants, each with full breakfast menus featuring coffee. There are a couple of supermarkets that offer coffee; a diner; and two restaurants that serve breakfast, including coffee.
Then there are the franchise coffee establishments, such as that metastasizing green monster from Seattle, “Fourbucks.” (At least that’s what many people call it, since the cheapest item for sale will set you back nearly a fin.) And, of course, there is the purple and orange colossus, the sugar & caffeine morning oasis for millions of Americans, the big “DD.” There are four of these locations within shouting distance of my home. No wait, that was last week. Now there are six locations nearby. (And there very well may be another one under construction on my front lawn as we speak.)
If America suddenly found itself without oil, it would be difficult, no doubt. But we would adapt. We would develop newer, smarter ways of doing business. Certainly the economy would suffer for a time, but the entrepreneurial American spirit—inspired by countless pots of coffee—would find a way to survive and thrive.
However, if we suddenly found ourselves without coffee, the entire nation simply would stay in bed all day and whimper. Don’t think this fact has not been noted by the terrorists. Many people worry that oil supplies will be attacked. I fear much more that Juan Valdez’s burros will suddenly explode.
It has been suggested that we break the habit—get the mocha monkey off our backs, as it were. But if we do that, the terrorist will have won. So as a courageous patriot, I proudly declare: “Gimme a Jumbo Jamoke, black! Oh, and throw in a glazed cruller, please.”
|Home||Current Faith||Current Funnies||Faith Archive||Funnies Archive||Contact Bill|