'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

NEW CABLE NETWORKS IN THE NEAR FUTURE

One of my favorite writers, P.J. O’Rourke, notes that his three-year-old daughter loves to watch the “Sugar Cereal Channel” on television. A careful review of the various cable networks listed in the TV Guide shows there is not an actual “Sugar Cereal Channel” (not yet anyway). However, a cursory viewing of typical Saturday morning programming—brief snippets of low-budget Japanese animation constantly interrupted by loud commercials for products such as Kellogg’s “Chocolate Covered Obesity Flakes”—might lead one to conclude there really is a network devoted to giving all children the opportunity to experience the joys of Type 2 Diabetes.

There are, however, many actual cable networks that are so specialized, you’d think a clever Irish-American humorist (O’Rourke, of course, not me) made them up. For example:

• The Food Network – An actual cable channel devoted to recipes and various cooking techniques. Although the technological advancement in television sets is impressive, no matter how large or flat or “hi-def” the screen may be, it is still impossible to taste food on TV (and take my word for it, licking the screen doesn’t help). Therefore, why people would watch food on television is beyond me.
   
• The Golf Channel – A recent survey found that watching golf on TV came in second-to-last in the category of “Most boring thing to do on earth.” Watching paint dry came in dead last. I can’t imagine a channel that broadcasts golf-related programming 24 hours a day has any viewers at all, unless the network struck a deal with the criminal justice system. Judge: “I hereby sentence the defendant to three years of being forced to watch The Golf Channel.” Defendant: “Nooo! Anything but that! Give me the electric chair instead!!”
   
• The YES Network – This channel broadcasts New York Yankee baseball games, and when the Yankees aren’t playing, it broadcasts reruns of old games and other riveting Yankee-related programs such as, “Mickey Mantle’s 1954 Knee Surgery: The Untold Story.”
   
• The NO Network – This channel is just like the YES Network, but for Chicago Cubs fans.

Since the cable TV industry is becoming more and more specialized, I suspect we soon will see networks similar to O’Rourke’s “Sugar Cereal Channel.” Some possibilities:

• The Watching Paint Dry Channel – Hey, if there really is a Golf Channel, can this be far behind?
   
• The Watching Grass Grow Network – For those people who find the Watching Paint Dry Channel a bit too stimulating.
   
• The Bunion Network – Twenty-four hours per day, seven days per week, of nothing but programming devoted to painful feet.
   
• The Cheese Channel – Tune in tonight for part 4 of the 6-part mini-series: “How Gorgonzola Changed My Life,” hosted by Hal Linden, Pamela Anderson, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
   
• The Noogie Network – For folks whose heads still ache from a daily dose of noogies back in Junior High School.
   
• The All-Paris-Hilton-All-the-Time Network – Oh wait, we already have that. It’s called MSNBC.
   
• The Left-Handed Channel – (Not to be confused with the Leftist Channel, which we already have: again, MSNBC.) This network will broadcast nothing but informational programs and documentaries about left-handed people, including historical reenactments such as, “Battle of the Bands: Paul McCartney vs. Benjamin Franklin,” and, “Who was better in the clutch with men on base: Babe Ruth or Leonardo DaVinci?”
   
• The I’m-Sick-of-Television Network – This specialty channel will be for all the people who have become disgusted with TV programming nowadays. At any hour of the day or night, this is the network that millions of people will be able to happily NOT watch.

©2007