'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

PROFESSORIAL DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

Just call me Professor Dunn.

Hmm, I like the sound of that. Professor Dunn. It has a nice ring to it. I probably won’t go out and purchase a tweed jacket with elbow patches or grow a scraggily gray ponytail, but it does feel pretty cool being a real professor.

OK well, technically I’m not a REAL professor. I was only a guest lecturer one evening for a college class. But it happened at a real university, with real college students whose parents are paying real tuition bills—and I was the person standing before the class doing the talking. So that’s close enough for me to use the label “professor.” (Hey, if Paris Hilton can call herself an “actress,” then I can call myself anything I want. Although apparently Paris soon will be able call herself "Inmate # 55409521.")

So I now join a long line of distinguished professors throughout history:

• Professor Harold Hill, the con man in the Broadway show “The Music Man.” Professor Hill made little Ron Howard cry, but in the end he reformed his ways and won the heart of Shirley Jones. Not too bad.
   
• Professor Irwin Corey, the disheveled, scatterbrained comedian and self-proclaimed “World’s Foremost Authority.” Professor Corey often appeared on Johnny Carson’s show and offered profound statements such as, “If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going!” Truer words have never been spoken.
   
• Casey Stengel, the “Ol’ Perfessor.” Casey was one of the most successful baseball managers of all time, and was so brilliant he often had to express himself in a completely foreign language, Stengelese. After telling players such as Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford to go out and do what they do best, Casey spent many sunny summer afternoons napping in the dugout at Yankee Stadium. (Well, what Mickey and Whitey did best was carouse until 4 a.m. Casey told them to go out and do what they do SECOND best, which was play a phenomenal brand of baseball.) I think I’d like to spend some sunny summer afternoons napping in a major league dugout. Sounds fun.
   
• Professor Marvel from the “Wizard of Oz.” Played by Frank Morgan, Professor Marvel was so versatile, he also played the doorman, the cabby, a soldier in Emerald City, the Wizard, and a Kansas doctor in the final scene. Talk about multi-talented!
   
• Professor Phineas J. Whoopee, the intellectual cartoon character who regularly helped Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumley get out of dire predicaments. Tennessee always thanked the professor by profusely exclaiming, “Phineas J. Whoopee, you’re the greatest!”
   
• The Professor on “Gilligan’s Island.” This guy is my favorite professor of all time. The Professor was an absolute genius. In fact, he could build a radio out of coconuts and a Geiger counter out of bamboo branches. Too bad he was unable to patch a hole in the boat. I’ll bet you didn’t know the Professor actually had a name: Roy Hinckley. (The character’s name, I mean. The actor was Russell Johnson.) He was referred to by this name a couple of times in early episodes. While we’re on this subject, did you know the Skipper’s character also had a name? It was Capt. Jonas Grumby (not to be confused with Chumley, although they were about the same shape).

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: How is it possible for one man to have so much USELESS information stored in his head? Well, that’s just one of the many burdens we professors have to deal with. But there is one important bit of knowledge I do not have: Did I qualify for tenure and a pension yet?

©2007