'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

CLASS CLOWN WILL WIN CORK CONTEST

My wife and I are going on an all-expenses-paid vacation to Cork County, Ireland. I’m so excited!

The trip-for-two to Ireland is the grand prize in an essay-writing contest, and it includes roundtrip airfare, hotels, and $500 in spending money. Technically, I haven’t won the contest yet (technically, I haven’t even entered the contest yet), but when I explain the details you’ll understand why I am a shoo-in for the grand prize.

It all began when I received an email recently that said, “Digestive Advantage invites you to enter a truly unique contest!” The contest is called the “Get Uncorked & Go to Cork” contest.

Here are highlights from the paragraph that explains the details: “This is a skill-based contest….The object is to have participants write a fun and original essay on the subject of constipation. Extra points will be awarded if the story takes place in Cork County or Cork, Ireland.”

Do you get it? Constipation? Uncorked? Cork, Ireland? This is the most juvenile idea to come out of a pharmaceutical company—ever! And I love it. These guys crack me up!

Now, since I was put on this earth to write bathroom humor (at least that’s what many relatives say to me while rolling their eyes in disgust) I am obviously going to write the funniest essay entered into the contest. My wife and I might as well renew our passports right now.

Additional contest details include: “The story should be no longer than 800 words. Be a little unconventional. But keep it clean and fun. And if you think a photo will enhance your story, feel free to send that as well.”

A photo?! As Flounder in the movie “Animal House” said, “Oh boy, this is great!” I don’t have any ideas for a photo yet, but I’m sure something “clean and fun,” and possibly rude and offensive, will come to mind once I start writing the prize-winning essay. I also don’t have any ideas for the essay yet, but I’m sure hilarious ideas will pop into my head when I sit down, concentrate, and strain really hard to make something come out. (See? It’s already happening! I just hope all that straining and thinking doesn’t produce a head-orrhoid!)

The primary reason that I am sure to win this contest is the fact that my particular sense of humor was developed in the sixth grade. And most importantly, in the almost four decades since that time my particular sense of humor has not matured past the sixth grade level one bit. Yes, I agree, it’s a special blessing.

In the sixth grade I first learned there were dozens of ways to imitate rude bodily noises. In the sixth grade I learned that imitating rude bodily noises while sitting in the back row of a classroom would cause the guys to laugh and the girls to blush. In the sixth grade I learned that certain school teachers were born with superhuman hearing. In the sixth grade I learned that it was legal (at least in 1968) for teachers to whack unruly students—which in my view was a small price to pay for being labeled the official class clown.

At the ripe old age of 11, I learned that practically any innocent statement can be twisted to include a scatological reference, instantly transforming the innocent statement into a hilarious punch line.

As I said, I’m not sure yet what my prize-winning topic will be, but I’m sure the essay will include the phrase that has been directed toward me repeatedly for almost four decades: “Put a cork in it!”

©2007