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'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a
humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American
newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
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HIGH-TECH OFFICE IS HIGH-STRESS OFFICE
Modern offices these days
have a plethora of new, high-tech gizmos that make workers more
productive. For example:
- The Spell-Check function
on computers, which allows a person to type out words such as plethora
and gizmos, and be confident the words are spelled correctly, although
not quite sure what the words actually mean.
- The cell phone, which
gives irate bosses and/or customers the ability to contact you at 10
p.m., just before you are about to go to bed, and chew you out for
screwing something up. (I’m sure you’ll have sweet dreams tonight!)
- The BlackBerry, which is
a cell phone on steroids that not only allows bosses and customers to
scream at you at 10 p.m., but also is capable of sending and receiving
wireless email messages, so there is no excuse for not being productive
during every moment of the day, including when you are sitting in a
stall in the corporate bathroom.
- The all-in-one business
hub contraption, which is a copy machine on steroids, and is capable not
only of making photocopies, but also can scan documents, send faxes,
send emails, transfer files within the company computer network, and
make a steaming cup of espresso. The exciting thing about these devices
is that no one—not even the engineer in Asia who designed the
machine—really knows how to make all the various functions work
properly. So for more than five times the cost of a regular copy
machine, these all-in-one units work exclusively as copy machines.
- Global Positioning
Satellite (GPS) devices, which let you know precisely where you are
located on the planet. Some modified versions also inform your boss of
exactly where you are located—so don’t linger at Starbucks when you are
suppose to be meeting with a client. These GPS devices will give you
exact directions to the client’s office, although they would be much
more useful if they came with an optional rocket launcher that could
help you clear a path through bumper-to-bumper gridlock traffic.
- Yet another new and
improved computer operating system. Obviously I am referring to
Microsoft’s new “Vista” operating system, which is replacing the “XP”
operating system. Vista was developed to perform new and important
computer functions, such as increase Bill Gates’ net worth by another
$25 billion. According to the dictionary, the word vista means “a long
view or outlook; a comprehensive mental view.” It’s interesting to note
that no one at Microsoft, while engaging in this long view, seemed to
notice that the vast majority of computers in use today do not have
enough memory nor the correct video cards to run the Vista operating
system properly, and will have to be replaced. Or possibly a very
brilliant long view was indeed at work here, such as the desire to
increase the net worth of both Bill Gates and Michael Dell by another
$25 billion each.
All these new high-tech
business devices are undeniably exciting. (And, of course, I am using the
definition of the word “exciting” that means: I don’t know which hole is
larger—the hole in the sheetrock wall in my office where I daily pound my
forehead in frustration, or the hole in my stomach where a stress-induced
ulcer is trying to kill me.)
However, just when we
thought the relentless pace of the business world would drive us insane,
other stressed-out workers have developed a plethora of new, high-tech
products just for us: a new generation of pain killers, antacids, and
blood pressure medication. But don’t take the pills until after your 10
p.m. irate phone call.
©2007
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