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'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a
humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American
newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
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WHEN IMAGINATION GOES DRY, TRY REALITY
Coming up with a topic each
week for this humor column can be a challenge. Because I usually make
everything up, at least I don’t get bogged down doing research and
checking facts. But sometimes I simply cannot think of anything to write
about. (Maybe I should write about proper grammar, so the previous
sentence would read: “But sometimes I simply cannot think of anything
about which to write.”)
When my imagination goes
through a dry spell and I am unable to make up weird stuff, I can always
rely on an alternate source for some truly weird topics: reality. So I
grabbed the front section of the Sunday newspaper last week, and found the
following stories:
- The Police Blotter
section on page 2A listed the details of a 42-year-old man who was
arrested and charged with forgery and larceny. As with most police
plotter items, the person’s home address was given. For this man, his
home address is: “New Haven Correctional Center, New Haven.” Well, I
think we know what happened here. This man should’ve stayed home on that
particular night. If so, he would have avoided trouble. But he didn’t
stay home. Instead he went out, committed a crime, and got arrested.
Now, as a result, he is sure to end up in, um, a correctional center.
- Here’s the headline of a
story on page 6A: “Mummified man found in front of TV.” It seems that
an elderly man from Long Island was sitting in a chair in front of his
TV set. Nothing unusual about that, except for one minor detail: the man
had been dead for over a year. Apparently, dry conditions in the house
preserved his body fairly well. Police found the man’s body, and the TV
set still on, when they responded to a report of burst pipes. This story
raises a lot of questions: Didn’t the man have any friends or relatives
to check on him? After all, every single special day on the calendar had
occurred at least once: his birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving,
and See-If-Grandpa-Is-Breathing Day. Or maybe someone did stop by, but
mistakenly concluded, “Oh, Grandpa just loves ‘Wheel of Fortune.’ Look
how he’s glued to the TV. I’ll come back another time.” Also, who paid
the mortgage, property taxes, utilities, and, of course, the cable TV
bill for over 12 months?
- Here’s another headline
on the same page: “Man sues over firing for chat room use.” A
58-year-old man was fired by IBM for viewing X-rated websites while at
work. Did this man slink away, humiliated by his shameful behavior? If
you said yes, you’re simply not paying attention. No, this man got a
lawyer and is now suing IBM for $5 million because he claims that he has
an addiction, and therefore IBM should have given him special treatment
and sympathy rather than a pink slip. He says the traumatic stress he
incurred while serving in Vietnam in the 1960s caused him to become “a
sex addict, and with the development of the Internet, an Internet
addict.” I wonder if the 99.99-percent of Vietnam vets who did not
become sex addicts think they must’ve missed out on something? Since a
lot of IBM’s technology surely has contributed to make the Internet what
it is today, I’m surprised the lawyer did not demand $50 million.
See? With a little help from
the news, I was able to write a complete column. And I didn’t even get a
chance to discuss another headline in that day’s paper: “Britney tries new
look – bald.” Yes, reality is stranger than fiction.
©2007
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