'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

WHEN LIPS ARE LOOSE, WATCH YOUR CABOOSE

In the span of one week, three different people told me very similar stories. In each story, an elderly, senile relative had developed the habit of blurting out whatever popped into his or her head. And in each case the most common blurt was to observe (loudly) that someone nearby has a…um, how can I phrase this? a rather large derriere. However, instead of using the phrase “large derriere,” which has the initials LD, these elderly folks employed (loudly) a phrase with the initials FA, if you get my drift.

Each of the three elderly persons is confined to a wheel chair. Maybe people in wheel chairs notice other people’s backsides more quickly than the rest of us because their eyes are right at caboose level. But that doesn’t explain why they are compelled, for example, to announce (loudly) in a crowded store, “Look at the [FA] on that one!”

Needless to say, the three relatives of these elderly people, who were pushing the wheel chairs on these public outings, were absolutely horrified. They apologized profusely and tried to explain that the elderly person didn’t mean it and doesn’t really know what he or she is saying. Their frantic attempts at peace-making were hampered somewhat when the elderly person cut in and declared (loudly), “I know exactly what I’m saying. She has a [FA]!”

Apparently one of the symptoms of senility is the loss of that critical device we each have in our brain: the speech filter. Without speech filters, without some mechanism that keeps us from speaking aloud every thought that pops into our heads, our planet would be in a constant state of warfare. (Well, it sort of is anyway. But just imagine how much worse things would be if every observation and opinion was blurted out as quickly and loudly as possible. The whole world would be just like one big Chris Matthews Show. What a nightmare!)

There are other things beside senility that impair or disable a person’s speech filter. Mel Gibson recently demonstrated that alcohol can shut down the speech filter, allowing every thought, both the hateful and the really hateful, to come spewing out.

So-called comedian Michael Richard (to be forever known as KKKramer) demonstrated that extreme stress can cause deep and dark and vile thoughts to flow from one’s pie hole. And trust me, there is nothing more stressful than trying to make people laugh but instead to bomb miserably. This weekly column is a prime example, but at least my hecklers can’t interrupt me in the middle of writing. They just send nasty emails and throw eggs at my house. Even if they could heckle me while I was writing, I doubt I’d reply with an anti-Semitic or racist rant. I’d probably just mention (loudly) their FAs.

The best thing we can do is follow the advise of our dear old mothers: If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? No wait, wrong saying. Here’s the correct one: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Of course, at some point down the road even our dear old mothers eventually end up in wheel chairs, with a touch of senility, and when they are taken outside by a younger relative they announce (loudly), “Look at the [FA] on that one!”

When this happens, the best thing to do is to be patient and understanding and try to be a peace-maker. Also, it helps to stand behind the wheel chair at all times so at least she can’t get a good look at your caboose.

(Update: The original clever quotation I came up with in last week’s column turned out not to be original after all. It was a line from the 1999 movie “The Straight Story.” I am definitely getting out of the quotation business—and you can quote me on that!)

©2007