'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
THE SEASON FOR FASHION CHANGE
Now that the weather is turning colder, I recently performed my semi-annual Seasonal Clothing Change Procedure.
First, I pushed some sneakers and Topsiders to the back of my closet, and moved some boots and heavier shoes to the front. Then I retrieved from the basement a plastic storage bucket that contained all my sweaters. I put the sweaters in a bureau drawer and put all my golf shirts in the storage bucket. Finally, I brought the bucket back down to the basement where it will sit until next Spring.
My entire Seasonal Clothing Change Procedure took exactly six minutes. It would’ve been less but I stopped halfway through to get a snack.
My wife, on the other hand, began her Seasonal Clothing Change Procedure in mid-September, and she is optimistic this year she will complete the process by December 1st. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that my wife is a procrastinator or has an immense wardrobe. She performs her SCCPs much quicker than the average woman. Some women do not finish their Fall procedure until April 1st, the date they are required by law to begin their Spring procedure, which means during all 12 months of the year they are constantly in the process of moving, rearranging, and reorganizing their clothing to match the seasons. Shoes alone can take three months.
There are two things in life that are simply not fair. The first is childbirth. Men are burdened with the task of sitting in the delivery room—waiting and waiting and getting nervous, and making sure that our wives don’t notice that we’re glancing past them to watch a ballgame on the hospital TV—while women get to be actively involved in all the fun stuff of childbirth.
OK, obviously that last paragraph was a JOKE! Please don’t send me nasty letters. I fully agree it’s totally unfair that women have to do all the hard work when it comes to procreation. But it’s not our fault. If you’re upset with the current arrangement, please complain to God.
However, we men ARE responsible for the other thing that is simply not fair: the difference in men’s and women’s fashions. Men have it so easy. We don’t have to give any thought to what we wear. We just put on a pair of jeans—or if we’re getting dressed for a formal occasion, we can wear anything-but-jeans. Then we put on sneakers—or again if it’s formal, we wear anything-but-sneakers. Then we put on a shirt, any shirt, and if it happens to be a super special formal occasion, such as our own wedding, we’ll grab a tie. And that’s it. The whole process of getting dressed takes men two minutes—three, if we stop halfway through to get a snack.
As everyone knows, women cannot leave the house unless they agonize over every last fashion detail. Sometimes women are forced to fly to Milan to purchase just the right scarf to accentuate their shoes and purse—so they can be properly attired to get the newspaper off the front porch.
And it’s all the fault of men. Women believe they must focus all that energy on fashion to be attractive to men, when in reality most men don’t even notice what women are wearing because we’re too busy glancing past them to watch a ballgame.
So let’s put an end to this madness. Women, please don’t worry so much about what you wear. We men won’t mind; we probably won’t even notice. In the meantime, we’ll see what we can do about making childbirth more fair. Maybe we’ll turn off the TV.
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