'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

THE ART OF FICTION: SUPERMODELS & CANDIDATES

Our topic in recent weeks has been the latest genre of TV fiction, the modern campaign commercial. Political ads are bombarding the airwaves right now, often making claims such as: a particular candidate routinely raises kittens from the dead, but his sinister opponent voted six times in the past to murder puppies, so please vote for this candidate or our American way of life will cease to exist. And of course, there is the standard ending, probably pre-recorded months before the ad was even made: “I’m Melvin Sleeze, and I approved this message.”

These political ads are about as believable as other fictitious shows on TV, for example, the shows where every criminal or medical mystery is solved in exactly 60 minutes by investigators who look just like supermodels, and the family sitcoms where the star of the show, an overweight, loudmouth comedian, just happens to have a gorgeous supermodel for a wife. (There seems to be a supermodel theme here.)

When a campaign commercial comes on TV and accuses the sinister opponent of voting six times in the past to murder puppies, many people wonder, “Hey, how did that overweight, loudmouth comedian get a supermodel to marry him?” Other people, who didn’t change the channel when the political ad came on, wonder, “Hey, how can he make a claim that is obviously not true?”

The answer is simple: the supermodel has been trying to become an actress, and when she was offered the part of a smart-aleck suburban housewife who is married to an overweight, loudmouth factory worker, played by an overweight, loudmouth comedian, she jumped at the chance.

The other answer is also simple: in the regular world there is the truth, while in the political world there is the “truth.” The quotation marks around the word truth indicate that we are not talking about whether something is true or false, but instead we are talking about whether a particular claim can be judged as libelous and slanderous by a jury of 12 impartial people after a long, drawn-out trial between now and Election Day.

The answer, of course, is no, there is not enough time for that. Which means that during these frantic last days before the election, absolutely anything goes! No claim is too outrageous as long as some behind-the-scenes political strategist thinks it will pick up a few more votes.

Besides, the various political campaigns always insist the statements made in the TV ads are technically true. (As it turns out “technically true” is another way of saying “totally false.”)

For example, the claim that the sinister opponent voted six times in the past to murder puppies is technically true because years ago, when that person was a member of the City Council, he voted six times to approve the city’s annual budget. Contained within those budgets, as always, were funds for the city dog pound. At the city dog pound, when a loving home cannot be found for abandoned dogs, regrettably they are put to sleep. Therefore, following a circuitous route of logic and truth (that is, lies) the claim can be made that the opponent voted to murder puppies.

It’s getting crazy. Last night I thought I saw a couple of new ads. In one, Joe Lieberman and his supermodel wife were shaking the hands of potential voters. In the other commercial, Ned Lamont, whose part was played by a blonde supermodel, solved an old murder case in exactly 60 minutes. The murderer, not surprisingly, turned out to be Joe Lieberman.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait until Wednesday.

©2006