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THOU SHALT
NOT ADD TO THE COMMANDMENTS
The Ten Commandments have guided peoples’ lives for
approximately 3,000 years. Occasionally someone will want to replace the
Commandments with a more modern set of rules. A few years ago media mogul
Ted Turner offered his version of the Ten Commandments. If I recall
correctly, Ted de-emphasized humility and reverence toward God, replacing
those ideas with ego-centric self adoration. (If you know anything about
Ted Turner, are you surprised?)
Ted also replaced the “Thou shalt not commit
adultery” commandment with a more broadminded view, something along the
lines of: “Thou shalt not sleep around too much—unless your current spouse
or main squeeze is ‘OK’ with it.”
Unlike Ted Turner, who thinks the original Ten
Commandments are obsolete and in need of a modern replacement, I think
they’re just fine. After all, if it were perfectly legal to steal, kill
people, and then lie about it, our nation would be populated with 300
million citizens who behave just like politicians. Now that’s a scary
thought.
However, it’s true that the Ten Commandments are very
old rules that oftentimes do not address modern-day situations. So instead
of replacing them, what we need to do is add to them. Here is Volume 2:
Commandments number 11 through 20 for our modern world.
- The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not yak on cell
phones in public places, such as restaurants, stores, and churches. (I
actually heard this in the middle of Mass a couple of years ago: the
electronic chirp-chirp of a cell phone ringer, and then, “Hey…no, I’m in
church. Naw, that’s alright. What’s up? You’re kidding! Oh, that’s
funny. OK, I’ll see you in about an hour,” followed by an indigent
what-are-you-looking-at? stare.)
- The 12th Commandment: Thou shalt not get a tattoo
on thine neck. Doing so is not exactly sacrilegious, it’s just, well,
kind of dumb.
- The 13th Commandment: If thou art famous for being
a singer or an actor, thou shalt not offer thy views on politics or
economics because thou hast no clue of what thou art saying.
- The 14th Commandment: Thou shalt not accelerate
when the light turns yellow, causing thine SUV to blow through a
dangerous intersection well after the light hast turned red.
- The 15th Commandment: Thou shalt not walk around
with an iPod blaring in thine ears all day long, causing thou to be
oblivious to the rest of the world.
- The 16th Commandment: Thou shalt not dress like a
harlot. (Which contains subsection 16B: Thou definitely shalt not dress
like a harlot if thou art only 15 years old; and subsection 16C: Thou
definitely DEFINITELY shalt not dress like a harlot if thou art in thy
mid-forties and 50 pounds overweight.)
- The 17th Commandment: Thou shalt not get all thine
information about current events from “Comedy Central,” “Access
Hollywood,” and “Morning Zoo” radio programs. Please, the Almighty is
begging thou, read a newspaper once in a while. (The National Enquirer
and the New York Post don’t count!)
- Which brings us to the 18th Commandment: Thou
shalt not know more about the lives of celebrities than thou knowest
about the lives of thine family members. Turn off thine damn TV and
reintroduce thyself to thine loved ones.
- The 19th Commandment: Thou shalt not, like, say
the word “like” every time thou opens thine pie hole. Doing so is, like,
very annoying. (Almost as annoying as repeatedly using the words thou,
thy, and thine.)
- The 20th Commandment: Thou shalt not add to the
original Ten Commandments, even if thou thinks thou art a clever
columnist.
©2006
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