'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

IS RED SOX – YANKEES RIVALRY ‘ABNORMAL’?

(Note: this column appeared in the newspaper on Friday, August 18th, back when it seemed that a 5-game sweep "Boston Massacre" would be impossible.)

This afternoon begins another dramatic “battle of the century” between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. (Question: if the Red Sox and Yankees face off in at least six series during each season—a total of 18 games per year—is it correct to use the term “battle of the century” over and over again? Answer: of course not. The correct term that should be used over and over again is “battle of the millennium.”)

The two teams begin a crucial five-game series in Fenway Park with a double-header today in what is known as “the greatest rivalry in sports.” Since I write these columns a few weeks in advance, I don’t know if the games this weekend are “ultra-critical”—such as if the teams are tied for first place and fighting for a playoff spot—or if the games are merely “super-critical”—such as if the teams are out of the playoff hunt altogether and will be simply going through the motions and fielding mostly minor leaguers.

The one thing I know for sure is that whenever the Red Sox play the Yankees it is ALWAYS important.

Well, that’s my opinion, anyway. Which brings to mind an article I read in this newspaper earlier in the summer by Rocco Pugliese of Woodbury. Mr. Pugliese wrote this interesting sentence: “Yankee fans are smug and obnoxious; Red Sox fans think they’re intellectually and morally superior.”

OK, that’s a pretty good sentence. But it would’ve been a great sentence if he had used the word “know” instead of “think.”

However, the next sentence written by Mr. Pugliese was simply out of line. He wrote: “Making one’s state of mind contingent upon the fortunes of either collection of migrant millionaires is an indication of abnormality.”

When I read that sentence, and after looking up the meaning of some of the words in the dictionary, I exclaimed, “Hey pal! Who you calling ‘abnormal’?!”

My wife, who had read the article earlier, replied matter-of-factly, “You, dear.”

“Wha, wait a minute,” I spluttered. “I don’t make my state of mind, uh, incontinent upon the fortunes of, um, whatever he said!”

“Yes you do, dear,” she said. “If the Red Sox win, you have a smile on your face all day long. But if they lose, you sulk and scowl and snap at people.”

“I do not snap at people!” I yelled sharply.

“So you admit that you do sulk and scowl?” she asked.

“Well, sure,” I replied, “especially if the Sox bullpen blows a lead in the 9th inning—to a cruddy team like Kansas City!!”

“I think you’re making Mr. Pugliese’s point, darling,” she said.

Oooh, I hate it when she’s right! It wasn’t suppose to be this way. For decades I vowed that if the Sox ever won the World Series at least once during my lifetime, I would be satisfied. I finally would be at peace and no longer get all freaked out whenever they lost. (“Get all freaked out” is my way of saying, “Making one’s state of mind contingent upon…”)

So after getting my wish in 2004, I guess it’s kind of silly for my emotions to be held hostage by the performance of a particular baseball team. (I said “silly,” Rocco, not “abnormal.”)

This weekend I’ll try to relax and simply enjoy the games, regardless of the outcome. Call me Monday to see how I’m doing. Of course, if the Sox get beat, don’t be offended when I answer the phone, “WHAT THE #@&$ DO YA WANT?!!”

©2006