'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

SEXIST LANGUAGE MANIPULATION (PERSON-ULATION?)

Hollywood actor Dennis Quaid recently admitted that back in the 1990s he struggled with an eating disorder, a condition he calls “manorexia.” Quaid explained that he became obsessive about his weight when he purposely lost 40 pounds to play the role of tuberculosis-ravaged Doc Holliday in the movie “Wyatt Earp.” (Didn’t see it? Me neither. Another forgettable Kevin Costner effort.)

Quaid said he truly was anorexic at that time because “I’d look in the mirror and still see a 180-pound guy, even though I was 138 pounds.”

Reading this news report struck me with sadness. It’s terrible that so many people are being afflicted with this dreaded condition. As a society, we simply must do more to stop the scourge of…inventing new words in an attempt to be clever.

“Manorexia”? Give me a break.

What’s next? Should menopause be changed to WOMENopause?

Should hysterectomy be changed to HERsterectomy?

Now that we give hurricanes both male and female names, shouldn’t the ones with male names be called HIMicanes?

Maybe whenever a woman reaches the top of Mt. Everest, we should say she was mountain-climbing in the HERalayas. (No, wait a minute. That sounds a little too much like the punch line of a raunchy joke I heard years ago. We’d better not go there.)

When an all-female church choir sings Hymns, are they offended? Should they instead sing Hyrrs?

I think we’ve become a little too nutty about gender issues. We’re reading way too much into normal, everyday words. Purdue University has an official “non-sexist language” website. Here is a list of offensive words and the politically-correct alternative:

Offensive word            Alternative

Mankind                       Humankind

Man-hours                   Person-hours

Man-made                   Manufactured (but shouldn’t it be PERSONufactured?)

The common man        Ordinary people

Also, any word that ends in “-man,” especially the name of an occupation, is now considered sexist. (Which makes me wonder how Ethel Merman could stand herself? I guess things would’ve been much better if her name was Ethel Merher.)

Again, from the Purdue University website:

Offensive word            Alternative

Chairman                     Chairperson

Fireman                        Fire fighter

Policeman                     Police officer

Clergyman                    Clergyperson

Mailman                       Letter carrier

Congressman                Lying egomaniac (or possibly egoPERSONiac?)

(OK, I made up that last one.)

The same must be true, I suppose, for words that begin with “man.” Are lady residents of Manchester and Mansfield being oppressed? Should they break their shackles and proudly declare that they now reside in WOMANchester and WOMANsfield?

Just think of this multi-offensive scenario: After a MANicure, Nicole KidMAN meets in her MANager’s MANhattan office, the one with MANet paintings, to read a new MANuscript that just arrived in a MANila envelope, eat some MANicotti, and make plans to visit her vacation MANsion in MANitoba. Whew! It’s enough to make someone MANic-depressive.

Here are some other sexist words I think should be added to the Purdue website:

Offensive word            Alternative

Mangle                         Girlgle

Helium                          Shelium

Manager                       Womanager

Guy wire                      Gal wire

Healing                         Herling

Hebrew                        Shebrew

Hedonist                       Shedonist

Geyser                         Girlser

Maneuvers                   Personeuvers

Manhattan                    Womanhattan

All I can say is: Man! This is frustrating. (Oops, I mean: Person! This is frustrating.)

©2006