'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

GAS GRILLE BRINGS OUT GUYS’ PRIMITIVE SIDE

Did you ever notice that the gas grille is the man’s domain? Even in homes where the man of the house has never prepared a single meal in the kitchen—unless you count pulling a package of Pop Tarts out of the box—as soon as it’s decided that dinner will be cooked on the gas grille, the man of the house eagerly dons his “Born to Barbecue” apron and announces to no one in particular, “OK, let’s do some grillin’!!”

Of course, there are some men who enjoy all forms of cooking and know their way around the kitchen quite well. And then there are normal guys: those who wouldn’t know which room in the house actually is the kitchen except that when they first moved into the house and rolled the refrigerator right next to the reclining chair in the living room (a very good location if you ask me), their wives exclaimed, “The fridge goes in the kitchen! No, honey, that’s the dining room. Over here. See the linoleum floor, the sink, the stove? That’s right. Good boy. Here’s a doggie treat. Now go out to the truck and bring in the sofa. No, honey, that’s a closet door. The front door is over there. That’s right. Good boy.”

Men are usually in charge of the gas grille because it employs an element of nature that gets men very excited: bikinis. No wait, wrong element of nature. Gas grilles utilize a different element of nature that gets men just as excited, if not more excited, than bikinis: fire.

Thousands of years ago it was men who first discovered fire. Women did not discover fire because they were back home deciding which corner of the cave was the best place to locate the refrigerator. Just like that famous Greek guy, Archimedes, who exclaimed, “Eureka!” when he discovered the bubble bath, the first guy to discover fire—his name was Ooog—also uttered a memorable word. Upon discovering fire, Ooog exclaimed, “Aaaiiieeee!!!”

The fire Ooog discovered was a brush fire caused by lightning. Ooog looked at it curiously, and then thought to himself, “I wonder if that is just as refreshing to jump into as a cool stream?” Moments later, a smoldering Ooog declared his historic pronouncement.

Soon after, it was men who discovered that food tastes a lot better when it’s placed in fire for a while. The specific guy who first discovered this important fact—his name was Mooog—offered these historic words, “Not bad, but Ooog would taste even better with ketchup.”

Gas grilles are pretty much the only way for modern men to be in touch with their primitive side these days. Face it, in our society we are not allowed to have fun with fire. If you even own a cigarette lighter the Smoking Nazis want to lock you up. It’s now against the law to burn piles of leaves in the Fall. If you start a fire in the fireplace, someone is sure to say, “Fireplace soot is bad for little Leonard’s asthma! Put that out at once or I’ll call the Soot Nazis!”

And I need not mention that in these “politically correct” times, it is no longer socially acceptable to entertain the neighborhood kids by breaking out Uncle Mike’s World War II surplus flamethrower.

So modern men are basically flame-less these days—except when it comes to the gas grille season. Then, thankfully, we are allowed to singe our eyebrows and arm hair to our heart’s content.

Guys, in the immortal words of our pioneering forebears, please join me in a hearty, “Aaaiiieeee!!!”

©2006