'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

TIME TO H.I.D.E. FROM SUMMER DANGERS

The following is a transcript of the congressional testimony recently given by Dr. I.M. Skaird, the Executive Director of the Health Institute for Dire Expectations (H.I.D.E.), a consumer protection advocacy group based in Washington, DC.

Distinguished members of this congressional panel, I thank you for the opportunity to present my expert opinion on the grave dangers facing all Americans. I also thank you for the opportunity to urge passage of the new safety legislation proposed by Rep. Nan E. Staydt of California.

At the Health Institute for Dire Expectations, we have made it our life’s work to identify and then push for the elimination of unnecessary risks. As Executive Director of H.I.D.E., I would be shirking my duties if I did not sound this clarion call of warning.

Ladies and gentlemen, we stand at the threshold of a new and frightening era of ominous peril in American life. The risks we now face literally threaten the very existence of humankind on this planet. Our unsuspecting population is about to enter into…the Summer Season.

The Summer Season is a deadly time in America. Our statistics show that fully one-quarter of all annual deaths occur during the Summer Season. Yes, I agree, a truly startling figure.

Summer is the time of year when far too many people inexplicably expose themselves to the dangers of sunlight. These dangers include sunburn, wrinkles, the social stigma of wearing ugly sunglasses, and the blinding glare of the sun reflecting off of bald men’s sweating scalps, which has been known to cause multi-vehicle accidents.

The Summer Season is also a time when many people put their lives at risk by venturing to the seashore. Need I remind you that our nation’s coastal areas are contaminated with massive quantities of two hazardous chemicals: silicon dioxide and sodium chloride. Yes, most people refer to these two toxic substances as sand and salt, but our research indicates that these two chemicals, especially when combined, can produce severe cases of bathing suit rash.

Our nation’s beaches also harbor significant biological terrors, such as mosquitoes, horse flies, and gnats—plus the most frightening bio-hazard of all: toddlers wearing saggy, soiled diapers under their bathing suits who wander across, and them plop themselves onto, your beach blanket.

Many foolhardy Americans choose the Summer Season to engage in water activities, such as boating and swimming. My organization recently concluding a multi-million dollar research program. Let me point out the two key findings of our research: (1) fully 100% of all boating accidents involve boats, and (2) fully 100% of all drownings occur in water. Enough said.

Additional deadly Summer Season activities include the following:

• Golf balls ricocheting off of unsuspecting skulls
• Eyebrow-singeing plumes of flame as lighter fluid is squirted into backyard grilles
• Mangled toes due to inattentive lawn mowing
• Fatal brain freeze from eating ice cream cones too quickly
• Ferris Wheel vertigo
• Cotton candy overdose

Because these events are so tragic, because these risks are so unacceptable, I plead with Congress to act quickly and pass into law Rep. Staydt’s proposal. We will not be safe until there is federal legislation that immediately and forever outlaws the Summer Season.

Until this law is on the books, however, I strongly urge all Americans to spend each and ever moment from Memorial Day until Labor Day hiding under their beds. This is the only way we can truly be safe. This is the only way we can truly fulfill our destiny and heritage as citizens of the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Respectfully yours,

Dr. I.M. Skaird

©2006