'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

SUPER-SIZED SOCIETY HAS NOTHING TO FEAR

Recently I mentioned in this column that I use a 32 oz. coffee travel mug in my car. Someone said to me, “32 ounces? You must be exaggerating, right?”

So I inspected the mug, and it turns out my original statement was indeed mistaken. The mug actually holds 64 ounces. Which was a great relief to me, as everyone knows a mere 32 ounces of commuter caffeine is far below the minimum daily requirement recommended by the Journal for Interstate Travel Research Society (or JITRS).

Like all consumer health organizations these days, JITRS is completely independent and neutral—except for the fact that it is fully funded by Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. If the research scientists at JITRS ever determine that people should cut back on coffee consumption, they are perfectly free to say so publicly. Although their public statements might be difficult to understand since they will be speaking, bound and gagged, from the bottom of a garbage dumpster located behind the nearest Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks store.

(By the way, if you are in the continental United States, the nearest Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks store is no more than 30 yards away. If you are in an urban area, the nearest store is no more than 30 inches away.)

The fact that I can take a bath in my coffee travel mug got me thinking about our super-sized society. Coffee is not the only product that is usually served in jumbo portions. I went to one of those indistinguishable chain restaurants the other day—I think it was called “Apple-Chili-99” or something—and ordered their burger lunch special. They essentially served me a cow on a bun. My side dish of fries held the entire state of Idaho. When I asked for cheese, they brought me the state of Wisconsin. (I don’t particularly like pineapples, but I think I saw the state of Hawaii in the kitchen.) Then when I was done with my burger, they served me a slice of cake the same size as the bow of a battleship.

At least once a week the evening news does an urgent report on the obesity epidemic in America. But the moment the report concludes, the network will broadcast enticing commercials that promote the newest lunch special at Apple-Chili-99: seven roasted chickens under one bun with 9 quarts of barbecue sauce and a side dish of the state of Florida. For dessert you can order a slice of chocolate-covered aircraft carrier.

Before returning to the evening news report, there is another commercial that shows a young man relaxing with the handy new 96-pack of beer. But if he’s having friends over, he can choose the handy new 144-pack.

Normally I would be concerned that people these days are consuming too much food and drink. But I just read a scientific report that says there is nothing to worry about. Most Americans are quite healthy, with just a few people here and there who are, using the scientific technical term, “pleasingly plump.” The study was published by a completely independent and neutral consumer health organization, the Foundation for the Advancement of Tone, Shape and Overall Health (or FATSOH), which is fully funded by Apple-Chili-99, the Heart-Ack! company (the maker of cardiac artery stents), and the entire state of California.

So there is nothing to fear. We don’t have to change our behavior at all. Uh oh, I’m running late for work. Good thing I can swing by the new Convenience Mega Mart, where I can put 20 gallons of gas in my car and 20 gallons of coffee in my mug.

©2006