'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

TIME FOR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

It’s time once again to make some New Year’s resolutions. But this year will be different. Instead of making New Year’s resolutions I have no intention of keeping, this year I will make resolutions I sincerely intend to keep. (With my level of will power, however, the results are likely to be the same.) For the year 2006…

I resolve to spend less time and effort being concerned about the lives of people I’ve never met—celebrities, athletes, politicians, fictional characters on television—and more time and effort being concerned about the lives of my family and friends.

I resolve to pray more and complain less.

I resolve to complain less while praying. (God will be happy to hear this one.)

I resolve to count my blessings at least once each day, and especially whenever I feel a “pity party” coming on.

I resolve to stay at the table during the entire dinner and not suddenly get up during the middle of the meal to go into the living room and check the score of a ballgame on TV—unless, of course, the game has important playoff implications.

I resolve to do Christmas differently in 2006 and not go out frantically on December 24th to begin my Christmas shopping, as I’ve done for the past 30 years in a row. (Oh, who am I kidding? Waiting till the last minute is as much a habit with me as is breathing.)

I resolve to do Christmas differently in 2006 and stop waiting for the return of a long-lost special childhood emotion about the holiday, and instead focus on making a special childhood emotion about the holiday for a deserving youngster—an emotion he or she can nostalgically long for many decades from now.

I resolve to be less obsessive about sports—unless the Red Sox, Giants, UConn, Notre Dame, Celtics, Phil Mickelson, Bucknell, Hartford Wolfpack, Torrington High School, or Chesty’s Tavern softball team are in contention to win a championship.

I resolve not to mention my wife or daughters in my column—as they’ve requested repeatedly—unless I can’t think of anything else to write about. (And I resolve not to end a sentence with a preposition.)

I resolve to tell my wife and daughters more often that I love them. (At the moment I couldn’t think of anything else about which to write.)

I resolve to stop complaining about the weather around here—unless it’s too cold, too hot, too dry, too humid, too sunny, or too snowy.

I resolve to appreciate and enjoy the six or seven days around here each year when the weather is not too anything, except too beautiful. (I believe the next one of these type of days is due to arrive about the third week of April.)

I resolve not to spend the first three months of the year wishing it were the fourth month of the year every time I have to use the snowblower.

I resolve to be grateful I have a snowblower that runs. (At least as of right now. Trust me, if it conks out in, say, February, you’ll be reading about it.)

I resolve to skip playing golf this year to see if I can somehow live without an activity that is time-consuming, expensive, and frustrating.

I resolve to spend at least as much time reading the Bible as I spend reading Sports Illustrated.

I resolve to call my parents more often.

I resolve to call my parents more often to tell them we’re driving drive down to see them in person.

Happy New Year!

©2005