'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

THE GRINCHES ARE AT IT AGAIN

It’s the first week of December. That can mean only one thing: the vast majority of our population is getting into the swing of the annual Christmas season, while a tiny fraction of our population is getting into the swing of the annual “Offended Fest” season.

Once again timid school boards and cowardly municipal governments are caving in to the demands of offended secularists—real or imagined—and hurriedly sanitizing December of any Christmas connotation whatsoever (including banning the mention of those key religious figures: Frosty and Rudolph).

There’s a terrific website, The Grinch List, that chronicles this absurdity. (Find it at GrinchList.com.) Some examples:

• The Plano Texas School District banned the use of red and green decorations at “winter break” parties. Also, students were prohibited from exchanging candy canes with religious messages on them, using reindeer symbols, or writing “Merry Christmas” on greeting cards to U.S. soldiers.
   
• The South Orange/Maplewood New Jersey school district banned playing instrumental versions of Christmas carols during “winter concerts.” Songs that mention Santa Claus are subject to the ban, as well.
   
• Last year the City of Denver declared that a church group could not march in the annual Christmas parade—oops, I mean the “Parade of Lights”—because the Christmas carols the group planned to sing might be offensive to some people. Other groups, of course, were welcomed to march, including German folk dancers, Chinese lion dancers, and homosexual American Indians. (Fill in your own Tonto, Lone Ranger, and the-real-meaning-of-the-word-Kemosabe joke here.) When asked why the church group was barred from the parade, city spokesman Michael Krikorian said, “It could be construed as disrespectful to other people who enjoy a parade each year.”
   
• A spokeswoman from the Mayor’s office in Pittsburgh was asked why the city used the word “holiday” in just about every instance in place of the word “Christmas.” Dolores Hanna candidly admitted, “We have had many difficulties with the ACLU concerning holidays in the past and find this the best route for the finances of the city.”  

Ah ha, so that’s the problem. Government officials and school board members are afraid of ACLU lawsuits. What a crock of figgy pudding (whatever that is).

I’m at a loss to figure out how the First Amendment clause, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,” can be invoked when, for example, a sixth grade chorus sings “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” Is a sixth grade chorus identical to the U.S. Congress? (Well, emotionally they are. No, that’s not fair—to the sixth graders.) Is singing a Christmas carol identical to passing federal legislation?

On the other hand, I can find nowhere in the Constitution the clause, “All citizens have the right never to be offended.” If someone is truly offended by a rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” why doesn’t he or she just skip this year’s Christmas concert?

As columnist George Will notes, “Nowadays many people delight in being distressed. They cultivate exquisitely tender sensibilities and practice moral exhibitionism, waxing indignant about minor encounters with thoughts and symbols they dislike.” 

If all it takes is one offended person to ban something, then just about everything in our society would be declared illegal. I’ll gladly volunteer to be the person who is deeply offended by every single action of the A.C.L.U.

Why is our society being forced to bow at the altar of Political Correctness? (Hey, that’s a religious practice! I’m offended!!)

This year I’m going to follow the advice on the homepage of GrinchList.com: “Merry Christmas. Believe it. Say it.”

©2005