'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

TIME TO SAY ‘I’M SORRY’

Because of the high-tech marvel known as email, I get instant feedback from readers when a column appears in the newspaper. Apparently in recent months my columns have offended many people. For example, an email I received a few weeks ago stated: “Hey jerk! Why don’t you jump off a cliff and then write something funny about that?!”

I replied to this angry reader: “Dear Mom, I’m sorry I made fun of your beloved Democratic Party and the saintly Senator Ted Kennedy again. Say hi to Dad. Love, Billy.”

Anyway, I thought I would use this week’s column to try and smooth over some hard feelings by offering my sincere apologies to those I have offended. The list is kind of long. I need to apologize to:

State and municipal workers. I’m sorry you were offended when I said government workers have phenomenal benefits and pensions compared to private sector workers. All I meant to say was that government workers have phenomenal benefits and pensions compared to private sector workers. Plus, I’m jealous.

Insurance agents. I’m sorry you were offended when I described insurance agents as a marauding pack that roamed my yard each evening. I just meant to say that some of you guys don’t take no for an answer. Also, when I opened the front door and shined a flashlight into their eyes, they would scamper under the bushes. That was kind of funny.

Yankee fans. I’m sorry you think I’m a Yankee hater just because I write about the Red Sox all the time. I actually admire the Yankees. I think Jason Giambi had a great comeback this season after switching from steroids to undetectable human growth hormone, and I think A-Rod’s sexy blond highlights took away some of the sting of his “0-for-October” performance in the playoffs.

Shirtless joggers. I’m sorry you were offended when I said that middle-aged guys who jog without shirts are the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. No wait, I’m not sorry. I’m glad you were offended. I hope it shames you into wearing a shirt whenever you go out running. At least the cold weather is here now so we won’t have to deal with this blight again until next summer.

Teenage girls who dress like prostitutes. I’m sorry the mothers of teenage girls were offended when I said that current fashions make their daughters look like harlots-in-training. (I didn’t hear from any teenage girls themselves because they were too busy flashing their cleavage and butt cracks to teenage boys.) Yes, I realize this is the popular clothing style nowadays, but no, I’m not sure “If everyone’s doing it, it must be OK” is a good philosophy of life.

My family. Most of all I apologized to members of my family, especially my wife and daughters and my parents, who are mentioned regularly in this column. Whenever I mention them, obviously I am not being serious. (See the beginning of this column for an example.) But for some readers, apparently it’s not that obvious.

I’m sorry my daughter was asked at school, “Did your dad really lock you in the basement for a whole year?” I’m sorry my wife was asked while shopping, “When you were out of town for a few days, did your husband really wash his underwear in the microwave?” And I’m sorry my mother was asked (by my father), “C’mon, be honest. When he was a baby, you dropped him on his head, right?”

I’m just trying to be funny, folks. Don’t be offended.

©2005