'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
TIME TO SAY ĎIíM SORRYí
Because of the high-tech marvel known as email, I get instant feedback from readers when a column appears in the newspaper. Apparently in recent months my columns have offended many people. For example, an email I received a few weeks ago stated: ďHey jerk! Why donít you jump off a cliff and then write something funny about that?!Ē
I replied to this angry reader: ďDear Mom, Iím sorry I made fun of your beloved Democratic Party and the saintly Senator Ted Kennedy again. Say hi to Dad. Love, Billy.Ē
Anyway, I thought I would use this weekís column to try and smooth over some hard feelings by offering my sincere apologies to those I have offended. The list is kind of long. I need to apologize to:
State and municipal workers. Iím sorry you were offended when I said government workers have phenomenal benefits and pensions compared to private sector workers. All I meant to say was that government workers have phenomenal benefits and pensions compared to private sector workers. Plus, Iím jealous.
Insurance agents. Iím sorry you were offended when I described insurance agents as a marauding pack that roamed my yard each evening. I just meant to say that some of you guys donít take no for an answer. Also, when I opened the front door and shined a flashlight into their eyes, they would scamper under the bushes. That was kind of funny.
Yankee fans. Iím sorry you think Iím a Yankee hater just because I write about the Red Sox all the time. I actually admire the Yankees. I think Jason Giambi had a great comeback this season after switching from steroids to undetectable human growth hormone, and I think A-Rodís sexy blond highlights took away some of the sting of his ď0-for-OctoberĒ performance in the playoffs.
Shirtless joggers. Iím sorry you were offended when I said that middle-aged guys who jog without shirts are the most disgusting thing Iíve ever seen. No wait, Iím not sorry. Iím glad you were offended. I hope it shames you into wearing a shirt whenever you go out running. At least the cold weather is here now so we wonít have to deal with this blight again until next summer.
Teenage girls who dress like prostitutes. Iím sorry the mothers of teenage girls were offended when I said that current fashions make their daughters look like harlots-in-training. (I didnít hear from any teenage girls themselves because they were too busy flashing their cleavage and butt cracks to teenage boys.) Yes, I realize this is the popular clothing style nowadays, but no, Iím not sure ďIf everyoneís doing it, it must be OKĒ is a good philosophy of life.
My family. Most of all I apologized to members of my family, especially my wife and daughters and my parents, who are mentioned regularly in this column. Whenever I mention them, obviously I am not being serious. (See the beginning of this column for an example.) But for some readers, apparently itís not that obvious.
Iím sorry my daughter was asked at school, ďDid your dad really lock you in the basement for a whole year?Ē Iím sorry my wife was asked while shopping, ďWhen you were out of town for a few days, did your husband really wash his underwear in the microwave?Ē And Iím sorry my mother was asked (by my father), ďCímon, be honest. When he was a baby, you dropped him on his head, right?Ē
Iím just trying to be funny, folks. Donít be offended.
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