'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

TEEN GIRLS DRESS LIKE TARTS

A few weeks ago I discussed the fact that my daughter has never been on time for anything in her life. The column was titled, “Chronically tardy daughter raises this father’s blood pressure.”

Soon after that article appeared in the newspaper, I received an email scolding me for calling my daughter a tart. Maybe in a different edition of the paper the headline was accidentally printed as, “Chronically tarty daughter…” If there was a misprint, I’m just glad it didn’t involve the letter “f,” if you know what I mean.

Let me just say, my daughter’s indifference to punctuality (or as she calls it, her “charming quirk”) is indeed frustrating. But thank heaven neither she nor my other daughter have succumbed to the insane fashion trends in vogue these days. Neither of them dresses like a tart.

Unfortunately, that cannot be said for many other girls. Far too many teenage girls—and many as young as 4th and 5th grade!—now dress more provocatively than Las Vegas prostitutes.

With school back in session, we’ve recently gone through the official Back to School clothing sale season. Apparently, this year many girls traveled to New York City to visit a new retail establishment on 42nd Street: The Hooker-Look Fashion Outlet.

I have a few questions. Do these young girls have any brains? Do these young girls have any parents? Do the parents have any brains?

Look, I freely admit I’m an old fogey. I understand there are certain immutable laws of the universe, one of which states: If you are lucky enough to reach middle-age, you are required to become a cranky complainer who regularly uses the phrase, “Kids these days have no respect!”

I understand that’s part of the deal of life. But come on! Have you seen the way some girls dress nowadays? The clothing is ridiculously tight and skimpy, leaving nothing to the imagination. And that’s just while they’re going up for Communion at church—when they get together with their friends at the mall, then they REALLY dress slutty.

There are two other points I’d like to make (besides the point I’ve already made, that I’m a old tart—with a strategically misprinted “f,” if you know what I mean—who thinks many teenage girls these days have zero modesty).

First, there is a simple reason why it’s a bad idea for teenage girls to dress like hookers. That reason is: teenage boys. Even though I’m now an old fogey, I clearly remember what was going through my brain when I was a teenager: absolutely nothing. And I clearly remember what was going through other parts of my body when I was a teenager: hormonally-charged impulses, none of which were very virtuous.

Parents who drop off their scantily-clad daughters at the mall for the evening should realize that it is no different than dropping off their pet cats at the dog pound for the evening.

Second, a disturbing aspect of the harlot-in-training teen fashion style is the fact that many non-teens are now dressing in the same way. Women who stopped being teenagers sometime during the Carter Administration now think it’s “cool” to dress with more skin showing than you’d see at the conclusion of the county fair’s annual potato peeling contest. And it is obvious that many of these ladies have enjoyed at least six hearty meals per day for the past two decades. It is not a pretty sight.

Well, it’s time for me to get back to my rocking chair on the front porch and complain about something different, like baggy pants on teenage boys.

©2005