'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

BUSINESS EFFICIENCY IN THE 21ST CENTURY

American business is renowned for its productivity and efficiency. The following series of voice mail messages between two high-powered business executives prove the point.

“Hi, this is Donald Feebler. I’m either on the phone or away from my desk. Please leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” Beeeeep!

“Good morning, Don, this is Morty McKnuckles in the Chicago office. I received your requisition for a new supply of paper clips for your department, but you didn’t indicate whether you wanted model M-417 or model S-211. Please give me a call so we can straighten this out. Thanks.”

“Hello, you have reached the voice mail box of Morton McKnuckles. I can’t take your call right now. Please leave a message and I will return your call right away. Thank you.” Beeeeep!

“Morty, hi, this is Don Feebler in the Boston office. I got your voice message about my paper clip order. I guess you’re looking for a model number or something. Um, I’m not sure what the difference is between the M-whatever and the S-whatever—sorry, I forgot to write down what you said. But anyway, let me know what the difference is and then I’ll tell you what we need here. Thanks.”

“Don, this is Morty in Chicago. I got your voice message about the paper clips. I guess you don’t have the new parts description manual in your office. You might want to write this down. The model M-417 is a smooth paper clip, while the model S-211 clip has a serrated surface, or what the document fastening industry calls the non-skid paper clip. If you’d like, just send me an email at MMcKnuckles@BigCorp.com. Talk to you soon.”

Hi Morty, this is Don in Boston. I just got back from lunch. I sent you an email earlier about the paper clip thing, but it bounced back to me as undeliverable. Maybe I spelled your name wrong. Does McKnuckles begin with M-C or M-A-C? Either call me or send me an email at DFeebler@BigCorp.com. Thanks.”

“Don, this is Morty in Chicago. My email also bounced back. Do you spell Feebler with one or two B’s?”

“Hi Morty. Only one B in Feebler. I was talking to some of the other guys here during lunch. Some like the smooth clip, but others prefer the notches. Can we have some of the model N-400 and some of the model, um, whatever it was, F-something? Let me know.”

“Don, Morty. I asked you to write it down. The choices are model M-417 or S-211. You know perfectly well I can’t process your requisition without exact model numbers and quantities. Please contact me as soon as possible.”

“Morty, this is Don. Hey, I’m really sorry. I accidentally erased your voice message before I could write down the model numbers. It’s almost five o’clock here in Boston, so I guess we’ll have to straighten this out tomorrow morning. Have a good night.”

The following morning, true to his word, Don tackles the paper clip requisition problem as soon as he arrives at the office. (Well, right after getting some coffee and a doughnut.) He calls Morty and hears the following message: “Hello, you have reached the voice mail box of Morton McKnuckles. I will be in Boston today on an important business trip. Please leave a message.”

At that moment, Morty walks into Don’s office holding two boxes of paper clips. “This is too important to get wrong. Make a choice.”

Don quickly chooses, and then moves on to other important business. “Morty, you brought your golf clubs with you, right?”

©2005