'Matter of Laugh or Death,' a humor column
By Bill Dunn
Interesting observations on this thing we call life
(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)
TIME FOR A CHANGE
After having my column appear in this newspaper every Saturday for the past four years, a couple of weeks ago it was moved to the Friday edition of the paper. Are you comfortable with this change yet? Me neither.
I’m not a big fan of change. I get set in my ways and any variation to the regular routine rubs me the wrong way. Apparently, changing to a different day of the week also has been difficult for one of my six regular readers.
A woman called me at home last Saturday and said, “You weren’t in the newspaper today.”
“I know,” I replied. “I was in yesterday.”
“Yesterday? But yesterday wasn’t Saturday.”
“I know. Remember last week when you called me, ma’am? I told you I’m now in the paper on Fridays.”
“But I thought that was last week?”
“Yeah, it was last week. And it’s this week, and it’ll be next week.”
“Wait a minute. You’re going to be in the paper on Friday…from now on?”
“Yeah, every Friday from now on.”
“I don’t like that,” she said. “I don’t like that at all.”
“Why? Don’t you get the paper on Fridays?”
“Of course I do.”
“So you can just read my column on Friday, right?”
“I don’t know if I want to do that.”
“Because I’m not used to doing that. I don’t like change.”
“Amen, sister,” I said. “Me neither.”
Anyway, I convinced the lady to take Section B of her Friday paper and set it aside. Then the next morning she can slip it into her Saturday paper and pretend my column is hot off the press that day. Hmm, I think I might try that myself.
OK, so I don’t like change. But there is something that must change, and right away. I’m talking about that little mug shot at the top of this column. As you can see by the huge glasses I’m wearing, that photograph was taken a long time ago. If we’re going to make a major change by shifting my column to a different day, we might as well change the mug shot. I have a few suggestions.
Option 1: The Ghost of Columnist Past. If we’re going to use an old photograph, let’s use one from a point in time when my hair wasn’t either turning gray or turning loose. Yeah, I realize it is ‘70s hair, but if we wait long enough it might come back in style. This particular snapshot was taken when I was in college, and I don’t remember the exact circumstances surrounding the photograph, primarily because I don’t remember ANYTHING from college (the Budweiser-induced glassy-eyed grin being the main reason why).
Option 2: The Ghost of Columnist Present. This photo was taken just this year. It is not possible to get a current photo of me without the Red Sox hat because I had it surgically attached to my head after last year’s World Series victory. I like the hat a lot, partly because I love the Sox, but mostly because it’s impossibly to tell how far back the ol’ hairline has receded.
Option 3: The Ghost of Columnist Very Near Future. This photo is a computer generated image of what I should look like sometime in the future—probably by this September at the rate I am currently aging. I’m not too sure about the beard, but I do like the hat.
We will let the readers decide which photo should be at the top of my column. Send an email to email@example.com and vote for either Past, Present, or Near Future. And ma’am, don’t forget to look for it in Friday’s paper—every Friday.
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