'Matter of Laugh or Death,' the award-winning humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

THIS HOROSCOPE A REAL HORROR SCOPE

Horoscopes are very popular. Virtually every newspaper publishes them on a daily basis, and even many radio stations announce the horoscope predictions each morning. Some people won’t even leave the house until they know what the “stars” say about their fortunes that day. And by “stars,” I don’t mean Hollywood celebrities, such as Tom Cruise and Halle Berry. I mean, instead, those flaming balls of hot gas way out in the universe (which, come to think of it, could describe certain Hollywood celebrities, such as Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore).

Anyway, I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone cares about the horoscopes. They never say anything specific. For instance, I’m looking through the horoscope listings for the day on which I am writing this column. (Which day is that, you ask? It doesn’t matter! The horoscopes are the same everyday.)

For Aries, it says, “You might feel challenged by what is going on.” Oh, that’s really helpful. If you have a job or kids, this statement applies every single day of your life.

For Taurus, it says, “Sometimes you might not be sure of what is going on between you and a loved one.” (See Aries reference about having kids.)

For Virgo, it says, “Bosses and those in charge push much harder than you would like.” (See Aries reference about having a job.)

See what I mean? Those statements are so vague they are meaningless. The people who write the horoscopes must be afraid of making predictions which could turn out not to be true. So what? Politicians and economists and T.V. weathermen make predictions all the time which turn out not to be true. Do you ever see any of them losing their jobs?

I’d to see the horoscope writers get a little bolder. Take a risk. Go out a limb. If you’re wrong, who cares? At least it might be interesting for a change. Here are a few suggestions…

Libra: “By noon today you will wish you had purchased more insurance yesterday. You will also discover your car’s airbag does not work properly.”

Cancer: “Today you will gain new insight and knowledge: the realization that everyone in your office hates you and has been talking about you behind your back for years.”

Leo: “A few years from now you will look back nostalgically on this day as the last day you were in good health.”

Scorpio: “An old college acquaintance will surprise you today—with a 13-year-old son and a paternity suit.”

Gemini: “An I.R.S. computer has flagged you for a complete audit. Notice to arrive in tomorrow’s mail. The good news, however, is that the I.R.S. audit will not begin until the secret F.B.I. investigation has been completed.”

Sagittarius: “Your current home improvement project has been a model of do-it-yourself, cost-saving efficiency in every way—except for the part where you electrocute yourself later today. But on the bright side (Get it? Bright side?), the new addition you are constructing will be the perfect place for your post-funeral reception.”

Capricorn: “Your boss just discovered your little ‘accounting irregularities.’ Flee the country. And no, you do not have time to pack.”

Aquarius: “Good news and bad news: the good news is you are going on a long vacation; the bad news is your vacation is at the state penitentiary for seven to ten years. No, we’re sorry, the real bad news is your new roommate is a weight lifting-obsessed axe murderer.”

Pisces (my astrological sign, by the way): “Thirty years of donuts and Big Macs will finally catch up with your heart arteries at about 4:15 this afternoon. Try not to land on sharp-edged furniture or a hard tile floor, as the bleeding from your head could cause confusion in the Emergency Room as to exactly what is wrong with you. Other than that, the stars indicate the rest of your day will be exciting and special.”

©2004