'Matter of Laugh or Death,' the award-winning humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

TEEN FASHION RATED ‘R’ FOR RIDICULOUS

It’s “back to school” season once again. Which means it’s time for moms all over the country to drive their kids to the mall and purchase new school clothes. Maybe this year Mom will buy the boys some new penny loafers, a pair of khaki pants, and a couple of nice polo shirts. And the girls will get some saddle shoes, a plaid skirt, and a few new blouses.

Yeah, sure. And maybe I’ll be named the next pope. That may have been what moms purchased when I was in school, but nowadays the popular clothing styles are a bit different. For boys the current fashion is the “convict look,” featuring oversized, beltless pants drooping down to about mid-thigh, and work boots with no laces. Heaven forbid a teenage boy ever needs to sprint somewhere. His first step will leave his boots behind, and his second step will leave him flat on his face after tripping over his pants which dropped below his knees during the first step.

For girls the current fashion is, to put it bluntly, the “hooker look.” Ah yes, nothing like sending the message to an impressionable 12-year-old girl that her worth as a person is based entirely on how many boys stare at, and make lewd comments about, her private body parts.

And as a society we are shocked—shocked!—that sexual abuse of children is on the rise. Gee, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact we’re dressing middle schoolers as if they’re about to work the midnight shift on 42nd Street?

If you thought corporate America had any sense of responsibility and would try to avoid contributing to this problem, forget it. Levi Strauss just introduced two new lines of pants: “Too Superlow” for girls, and “Dangerously Low” for boys. Apparently, the goal of Levi executives is to have clothing hanging so low on a child’s pelvic bone it is R-rated (risqué and racy) but not quite X-rated (exposing everything). Instead, they have achieved a look which is simply D-rated (dumb and dopey).

Not surprisingly, famous musicians are helping to popularize this fashion style. Commenting on her lowrider pants, teen singing star Avril Lavigne explains, “My butt crack showing is like my trademark.” I wonder if Miss Lavigne realizes that long before she was born, her “trademark” was already being used by cigar-chomping, middle-aged plumbers crawling under kitchen sinks? Maybe if she joins the plumbers’ union they won’t sue her for trademark infringement. (I’ve never actually seen Miss Lavigne and her “trademark,” but if her, uh, level of hairiness is anything like my plumber Max, she might want to try a different fashion style. I’m thinking…burka.)

I wonder if those fashion designers at Levi Strauss and the other clothing companies have noticed the frequent and alarming news reports about obesity in America. If it’s true the average teenager is packing an extra 30 or 40 pounds—and nothing I’ve seen at the beach this summer leads me to believe it’s not true—then it seems the last thing you’d want to do is design shirts which hang no lower than six inches above the navel, and pants which pull up no higher than six inches below the navel. That’s a full twelve inches of midriff blubber just jiggling and wiggling out there for all the world to see.

Kids, please take a little advice from me, someone who has spent years building up an impressive mass of midriff blubber of my own: if you’ve got a Pillsbury Doughboy (or Doughgirl) physique, the smartest thing you can do is throw a tent over it. Again, burka comes to mind. Or maybe a nice oversized Hawaiian shirt.

If you decide to wear normal-fitting, modest clothing, you may not be “cool” anymore, but at least if you ever have to run somewhere you won’t fall flat on your face. And best of all, no one will ever mistakenly ask you to check the leaky faucet in the bathroom.

©2003