'Matter of Laugh or Death,' the award-winning humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

HOLIDAY DISPLAYS BRING JOY TO MANY

One of the more interesting aspects of the holiday season is the way people decorate their homes. Many of the displays—complete with thousands of blinking lights, robotic reindeer, and the original Broadway cast of “Cats” performing a medley of hit songs (OK, I exaggerate, it’s not the original Broadway cast, it’s the touring company)—are truly amazing sights.

People come from far and wide to view these spectacular displays. You can see the awestruck stares. Little children gaze in wonder, amazed that a three-bedroom ranch in the suburbs can be suddenly transformed into Disney World—only with larger crowds and less parking. The parents are also awestruck, because they know what their darling little kids are about to say: “Daddy, how come our house doesn’t look like that?”

“Because, dear,” the parents gently explain, “our family has been cursed by a thing called…sanity. It would be nice to have our house glowing so brightly it can be seen from outer space, not to mention have more moving parts than a General Motors assembly plant, but it’s not worth taking out a second and third mortgage.”

There are many people besides the children who are delighted with spectacular holiday displays, including:

• The power company – Just when deregulation threatens the financial health of electric companies, along comes the month of December. Countless homeowners who pay no more than $75 per month for electricity suddenly decide, “Oh, what the heck, we can handle a $900 electric bill this month.” Utility company executives give each other high fives—and sizeable bonuses—and make plans to spend January in the Bahamas.

• The People’s Republic of China – They may not understand the concept of Christmas, and they certainly don’t understand why so many Americans want a robotic figure of a fat man dressed in red shouting, “Ho, ho, ho!” (which for all we know might be profanity in the Mandarin dialect), but they do understand money. And they do understand that $20 billion in manufacturing orders—regardless of how weird the items—is a good thing. (What? You thought all those lights and reindeer and angels were made in, say, Ohio? Get real.)
• Chiropractors and orthopedic surgeons – Let’s face it, to get all those lights and baubles on the house, someone (dad, of course) has to climb a rickety ladder with a string of lights in one hand, a hammer in the other hand, and some nails in his third hand. (Uh oh, if you studied anatomy, you know he’s in trouble.) Before the emergency room doctors—whose favorite December phrase is, “Why do they always land on the driveway instead of the lawn?”—can treat the broken bones, they first must untangle a string of lights from poor ol’ dad’s neck.
• Home remodeling contractors – If poor ol’ dad is lucky enough not to fall off the ladder this year, he often attaches the Christmas decorations to his house by driving 4-inch nails into the roof. When he removes the nails after the holidays, the gaping holes he leaves behind allow rain to pour into the attic, getting the insulation and sheetrock and wiring all wet, which eventually causes important portions the house, for example, the walls, to fall to the ground. If it wasn’t for Christmas decoration-induced emergencies, home remodeling contractors would be out of work all winter. (This may explain why some people leave their Christmas decorations attached to the house all year round. They’re afraid if they pull the nails out, the house will collapse.)

Although I’m being a little sarcastic and cynical about these spectacular Christmas displays (“A little?!” my wife and kids are exclaiming at this moment), I’m actually glad some people do it. I’m glad my family can take a drive on a cold December night and see festive holiday scenes. I’m glad some homeowners have the childlike enthusiasm (and Bill Gates-like bank accounts) to create such lavish and stunning displays.

And most of all, I’m glad they don’t live in my neighborhood.

©2002