'Matter of Laugh or Death,' the award-winning humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

ROCK CONCERTS ARE HARD WORK THESE DAYS

Many of the greatest legends in rock n’ roll history are on tour this year. Some of the aging musical stars include: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, The Who, Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, and Mozart’s Rockin’ Quartet (with Wolfgang Amadeus himself making a rare appearance to do a clavichord solo during the encore set).

It is very difficult for middle-aged musicians to keep up with a grueling concert schedule. For example, Bruce Springsteen lost his singing voice in 1983 and never regained it. (Although, based on the way he sounded before 1983, no one really noticed.) Also, John Entwistle of The Who and Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones are having a hard time performing this year, mostly because they are dead. (Oh, I’m sorry. Keith Richards is not dead—it just looks that way.) And finally, Mick Jagger cannot jump and strut around the stage like he once did for fear of dislodging his colostomy bag.

Senior citizen rock n’ roll is not only tough on the singers and musicians, it is also no picnic for the Baby Boomer audience. There are a few slight differences between attending a rock concert in the early 1970s at the age of 20 and attending a show today at age 50:

• The cost – In 1970, tickets for big concerts were outrageously expensive, almost $6 each. Youngsters had to beg their parents for the money since their summer job income was already earmarked for more crucial items: marijuana and lava lamps. Today concert tickets are still outrageously expensive, often over $200 each. Baby Boomers have to beg their teenage children for the money since their regular income is already earmarked for more crucial items: second mortgage and tuition payments.
   

• Transportation – Thirty years ago, young concert-goers looked forward to hitch-hiking to see their favorite bands. They were thrilled to get a ride, even if it required them to sit on a milk crate in the back of a smelly Volkswagen bus for 14 straight hours and listen to the wild-eyed driver complain about secret government satellites tracking his every move. Nowadays, middle-age concert-goers won’t even think about attending a show if it requires them to drive more than one hour. Even if the journey is fairly short, they still won’t go unless they’re riding in a Lincoln Navigator with a DVD player, lumbar-adjustable seats, and most importantly, a global positioning computer so government satellites can track their every move.
   
• Mind-altering substances – In the early 70s, attending a concert meant “getting wasted.” Young adults routinely ingested as much alcohol and drugs as they could get their hands on, and didn’t hesitate to guzzle down completely unknown substances, including a bottle of red stuff they found in the back of that Volkswagen bus which turned out to be transmission fluid. They often spent the next three days in the bathroom recovering. Today Baby Boomers will have a glass or two of white wine before the concert, but will not ingest any unknown substances without first studying the ingredients label. (“Sorry, Cheryl, this Monterey Jack cheese has far too many grams of fat per serving, and your bean dip is simply too spicy for me. I’d have to spend the next three days in the bathroom recovering.”)
   
• Concert hall ambiance – It was considered “fun” back in the 70s to be crammed into a stuffy arena with 20,000 personal hygiene-impaired people, while every possible bodily function occurred nearby, including, occasionally, the birth of a child who was conceived during a concert nine months earlier. Today, for some strange reason, Baby Boomers are no longer thrilled when someone barfs all over their brand new Nikes.

Attending rock concerts these days is not quite as exciting and spontaneous compared to thirty years ago. But during the show there are a few moments when Baby Boomers are able to recapture a little of that youthful magic, especially when they adjust the dial on their Miracle Ears and join Mick in singing, “What a drag it is getting old!!”

©2002