'Matter of Laugh or Death,' the award-winning humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

THE HISTORY OF AIR CONDITIONING (SORT OF)

News stories recently proclaimed the 100th anniversary of air conditioning. Only July 17, 1902, in a Brooklyn, NY, printing shop, a young engineer named Willis Carrier created the first ever air conditioning system. (If the name sounds familiar, you’re right. Mr. Carrier became the founder of the Trane Company.)

On the very next day, July 18, 1902, the owner of a Brooklyn, NY, printing shop created the first ever service call. (“My office is still too hot! You gotta send a repair man over right now!”)

However, the news stories got it wrong. The first ever air conditioning system was actually invented thousands of years ago. On a hot, steamy summer day, a cave man named Gork was mopping his sweaty forehead with one hand and holding the electrical cord of his air conditioning unit with the other hand. He asked his wife, “How come there are no electrical outlets in this cave?!”

Mrs. Gork, who was also sweaty and uncomfortable, especially since the only available clothing fabric at the time was mastodon fur, replied, “Unless you figure out a way to cool down this cave, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight!” This made Gork very sad, as couches had yet to be invented, which meant he would be sleeping on a rock.

So Gork decided to invent air conditioning. He roamed the countryside looking for something cold. After many hours he found a convenience store with an ice machine by the front door. Gork was thrilled. But then the clerk informed him that the ice machine was broken and no one knew when the repair man was suppose to arrive. (The real first ever service call.) It wouldn’t have mattered anyway since Gork left his wallet back at the cave and this particular convenience store had a strict no-credit policy.

Gork continued searching. Finally, in a deep thicket on the north side of a large hill, he spotted a hoof protruding from the ground. He began to dig with his hands—wishing he had remembered to bring not only his wallet, but also his shovel—and unearthed the frozen carcass of a wildebeest.

Gork dragged his icy treasure home. He placed the rapidly-thawing carcass in the middle of his cave and waved palm branches up and down to blow cool air toward Mrs. Gork in the bedroom. Although Gork did not particularly enjoy getting up every 20 minutes to wave the palm branches, it was much better than sleeping on a rock.

But the next morning, as the sun rose on another hot and steamy day, Gork’s nostrils informed him that his air conditioning invention still had a few bugs to work out—actually, many bugs, all buzzing furiously around the cave. Although Mr. and Mrs. Gork were accustomed to some rather unpleasant smells—for example, they had never taken a bath in their entire lives since Gork’s cousin Grunk had yet to invent plumbing—having a rotting wildebeest carcass in the middle of the living room produced an aroma that even the Gorks found overpowering.

Mankind’s desire to cool the air on hot, steamy summer days remained an unfulfilled dream for thousands of years until that fateful day in 1902 when Willis Carrier walked into a Brooklyn printing shop dragging behind him palm branches and a frozen wildebeest carcass.

Over the next few decades, a series of technological advancements with electric motors, pumps, and fans, combined with important innovations in the field of chemical refrigerants, made it possible—at long last—to have a safe, reliable, and convenient system for cooling indoor air which did not stink up the building and attract bugs. (That job is still best performed by thoughtless employees who leave food scraps and soda cans lying around the break room.)

We currently live in an era where the task of cooling the air on hot, steamy summer days is no longer a big deal. We now take it for granted that air conditioning equipment will turn on at the touch of a button and make our homes and offices quite comfortable. We should rejoice that we live in this particular time and place.

Now if someone can get the ice machine repair man to show up, we can really celebrate.

©2002