'Matter of Laugh or Death,' the award-winning humor column

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

(appearing each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT)

ASK DR. INFORMATION

This is the first installment of the award-winning Question & Answer column, “Ask Dr. Information.” In this column I will cut through the confusion of modern life and answer all your questions about politics, business, pop culture, and current events.

Dear Dr. Information: How can this be an award-winning column if it’s the first installment?

Answer: Because I take my cue from the accounting profession: I never get bogged down by the facts. If Arthur Andersen and WorldCom can create $7 billion in profits out of thin air, I certainly can create a few dubious accolades for myself.

Dear Dr. Information: Are you really a doctor?

Answer: Weren’t you paying attention a moment ago?

Dear Dr. Information: Why do so many people watch “The Osbournes” on MTV?

Answer: For the same reason people slow down on the interstate to gaze at car wrecks.

Dear Dr. Information: How did Alex Trebek get so smart? Was he born that way, or did he study a lot in school?

Answer: Alex got so smart by hiring researchers to write down the correct answers on little cards for him.

Dear Dr. Information: Then why is he so condescending whenever a contestant makes a mistake?

Answer: Because he’s a Canadian.

Dear Dr. Information: What does that have to do with anything?

Answer: I’m sorry, but that’s classified military information. All I can say is keep a close eye on our northern border during the next few months and don’t be surprised if you see massive troop build-ups in Minnesota, North Dakota, and Vermont.

Dear Dr. Information: Why would the Pentagon want to invade Canada?

Answer: I’ll take Geography for 600, Alex. This North American nation is 8,000 miles closer to the U.S. than Iraq.

Dear Dr. Information: Why is my 401k retirement account currently worth less than a Snickers bar?

Answer: Because certain killjoys in the financial markets insist—unlike the accounting profession and myself—that facts are important.

Dear Dr. Information: But shouldn’t a company’s stock price be somewhat related to its profitability?

Answer: Only if you want to retire when you’re 86, pal.

Dear Dr. Information: I hear the Rolling Stones will be touring again later this year. Why would people spend good money to see those decrepit old fools limp around the stage?

Answer: See previous reply about “The Osbournes” and car wrecks.

Dear Dr. Information: Why does Michael Jackson look like that?

Answer: A car wreck.

Dear Dr. Information: Why is network prime-time programming so awful these days?

Answer: There are some questions even Dr. Information cannot answer.

Dear Dr. Information: My teenage daughter thinks it’s cool to have a bolt through her nose. How can I change her mind?

Answer: A 12-volt car battery and some alligator clips might help her see the light.

Dear Dr. Information: Why do I spend more money for prescription drugs each month than I spend on my mortgage?

Answer: The pharmaceutical industry recently developed the Clever Name Cost Index. A drug’s price is now based on whether or not it has a catchy brand name. As a result, aspirin and liver pills are now free, while Zōcor, Celebrex, and Nexium can be purchased only with gold bars.

Dear Dr. Information: In that case, is there any way to lower my prescription drug bill?

Answer: Yes. Don’t get sick.

Dear Dr. Information: If the U.S. conquers Canada, can I be the new senator from Ontario?

Answer: Yes, Mrs. Clinton, you can.

Dear Dr. Information: The weatherman said it was going to be sunny, but it rained all day on our family picnic. Why are they always wrong?

Answer: Because most meteorologists began their careers as accountants.

Dear Dr. Information: Will your Q & A column appear in the newspaper again?

Answer: Magic 8 Ball says: “Unlikely.”

Dear Readers: Send your “Ask Dr. Information” questions to bdunn@snet.net

©2002