Matter of Laugh or Death

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

YOU’RE TOO OLD FOR THE HOLIDAYS WHEN…

It’s the holiday season again. As that wise old philosopher Clint Eastwood once said, “A man’s got to know his limitations.” Most of us are not as young as we used to be. (If you know someone who is younger than he used to be, please let me know, I want the exclusive rights to his story.)

During the holidays, many people fondly remember the days of their youth and make the mistake of trying to relive some of those magical moments. Here’s a guideline to help you avoid a common Christmas faux pas:

You know you’re too old to sit on Santa’s lap when…

…a boy in line with you asks, “Are you Santa’s daddy?”

…Santa says to you, “Nice beard.”

…you push to the front of the line because you’re running late for a custody hearing with your ex-wife’s lawyer.

…Santa says, “No one ever asked for Poli-Grip before.”

…the man dressed as Santa says, “Hello, sir. It’s me, David. Remember? I used to mow your lawn when I was in high school.”

…the elf assisting Santa reminds you of an old Army buddy.

…Santa says, “Sorry, I can’t put Viagra in your stocking without a prescription.”

…you ask Santa to speak into your good ear.

…Santa hands you a candy cane, and you ask for a Slim Jim instead.

…you decline the offer to have your picture taken with Santa by saying, “I don’t photograph well,” and then prove it by pulling out your driver’s license.

…you read your Christmas list from a Palm Pilot—after borrowing Santa’s reading glasses.

…the first time you sat on his lap years ago, Santa’s hair was black and everyone called him “Kid.”

And finally, you know you’re too old to sit on Santa’s lap when … you hop up onto Santa’s lap and hear both of his femurs snap.

* * *

But Christmas isn’t the only holiday minefield. One week later there is another opportunity for youthful memories to cloud your better judgment. Again, here’s a little assistance:

You should not accept an invitation to a wild New Year’s Eve party if…

…you’re usually in your jammies and slippers by the time Al Terzi does the news.

…you’re usually snoring on the couch by the time Dan Rather comes on.

…your idea of a wild night is having a few extra Fig Newtons during “Wheel of Fortune.”

…you haven’t driven after dark since your 1974 Dodge Dart was new.

…the last time you saw Dick Clark on TV he was saying, “And now introducing that new singing sensation: Chubby Checkers!”

…the last time you stayed up all night drinking and dancing was…well, actually, there’s never been a first time.

…you think BYOB means “Bring Your Own Ben-Gay.”

…midnight is closer to the time you usually wake up than the time you usually go to bed.

…the last time you went to a party, you spent most of the evening asking people, “Have you seen my teeth?”

…you think Guy Lombardo’s music is a little too “jazzy.”

…you’re still a bit hung over from sampling the milk and cookies left out for Santa seven days earlier.

…your favorite party activity is discussing in graphic detail your recent colon surgery and asking if anyone wants to see the scar.

And finally, you should not accept an invitation to a wild New Year’s Eve party if … you remember when the official New Year’s Eve song was “Young Lang Syne.”

©2001