Matter of Laugh or Death

By Bill Dunn

Interesting observations on this thing we call life

AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE: IT’S A GUY THING

The health care crisis in America is a major topic for politicians. The Republicans say there is too much bureaucracy and fraud. The Democrats say there is too much price gouging and greed.

Well, they’re both wrong. The real problem with our health care system is that there are too many women.

Now wait a minute. Before you report me to the National Aggrieved Gals Society, hear me out. I’m not being sexist. I have nothing but the highest regard for women. If it wasn’t for women, very few of us would have been born, and none of us would have learned how to write thank you notes. (Not that we actually do it, but at least we know how.)

My analysis is not based on prejudice and chauvinism. It is based on a purely scientific study of the facts. And the fact of the matter is, women, who make up slightly more than 50-percent of the population, make up well over 90-percent of the doctor visits.

I tried to compile precise statistics, but the American Medical Association spokespersons kept hanging up on me, and every health insurance company I called had such a maddening computer phone system (“Press 1 to have your claim denied; press 2 to have your claim rejected; press 3 to have your claim lost…”), I was unable to obtain exact industry information. So I did the next best thing, I took an informal survey of my relatives.

The results are overwhelming. The vast majority of doctor visits, medical services, and prescription drugs are used by the female half of the clan. It’s not even close.

I realize women are not identical to men physiologically. Women do have certain health issues that men never face. (In scientific medical jargon, these issues are called “plumbing problems.”) But the physical differences do not explain the vast gulf between the level of medical treatment sought by each gender.

The difference is attitude. Women and men have completely opposite views about seeking medical attention. Women consider the doctor’s office a place to visit numerous times during a typical week. Men consider the doctor’s office a place to visit once in your life on the way to the morgue. Women go to the doctor “to see if anything’s wrong” in the same way that men pick up the TV remote “to see if anything’s on.”

My female relatives explained to me that they visit a smorgasbord of medical specialists on a regular basis. There’s skin doctors, allergy doctors, nose doctors, eye doctors, foot doctors, and back doctors, among others.

Whenever the women experience an ache or pain, they think nothing of visiting one or more of these medical professionals. Sometimes they’ll make an appointment when they feel fine, just in case feeling fine is a sign that something might be wrong.

On the other hand, it never even occurs to the guys to visit a doctor, no matter how bad we feel. Speaking for myself, I can only think of two situations where it might dawn on me to seek medical help: if I’m lying in a significant pool of my own blood (“significant” being defined as at least a gallon—anything less can be handled with duct tape), or if any important body parts happen to fall off (but only if my auto mechanic is too busy that day to take a look).

My brother-in-law required major medical attention a few years ago, but his story actually backs up my conclusion. One day he experienced chest pain and shortness of breath while playing basketball with his buddies. He reluctantly went to a doctor who discovered a grapefruit-sized tumor in the middle of his chest. My brother-in-law did what any guy would do in that situation: He said, “So doc, can you give me something for it so I can get back and finish the game?”

Not surprisingly, the doctor (who we suspect wanted to trade in his BMW and lease a new Mercedes) said no, and instead began an expensive series of tests and scans and chemo treatments. If it was up to my brother-in-law, he would have simply ordered the Ronco Deluxe Home Surgery Kit for $39.95 and taken care of the problem himself.

With medical costs skyrocketing out of control nowadays, it won’t be long before the government takes over the health care industry. Despite what politicians promise us, this will drive the costs even higher. You know what will happen then, don’t you? Exactly, the Ronco Deluxe Home Surgery Kit will suddenly cost $500 and duct tape will go for $50 a roll.

And health insurance companies will still deny the claim.

©2001